Low Self Esteem Stemming From Negative Comments From Peers

I always surprise people whenever I start talking about my memories. “You have such a great memory!” they say. However, I know that this is not always the case. I forget simple insignificant things, yet when it comes to thoughts that my subconscious mind deems meaningful, they seem to be imprinted in my mind forever. Whilst writing this I realise that the images that keep replaying in my mind when I am feeling down have all contributed to my low self esteem. It’s unbelievable how one word spoken to us during our childhood can have such an impact on us throughout our life.

I remember that when I was 5 years old, I felt fat and ‘weird looking’. My teachers as well as my peers also had the habit of calling me ‘Chinese girl’ because according to them I had small, elongated eyes. I remember feeling offended. ‘Maybe I do not belong with my family’ or ‘maybe I have been adopted and no one has told me yet’, my five year old mind thought. These thoughts remained with me throughout my next school years. When I was 9 years old, a friend of mine took a picture of me whilst we were on a school outing and started pointing out how ‘beautiful’ I looked in it. While I was happily agreeing with her declarations on the outside, I was fighting my tears on the inside as all I could see was how fat I looked, the hair strand that was not tied to the rest of my hair, ‘my invisible squarish eyebrows’, how unattractive my blazer was, etc. This picture worsened the view of myself and the thoughts formed on that day lasted many years.

The following year I could not enjoy and appreciate the fact that I met a renowned actor and singer, as all I could think about was ‘how ugly I looked in front of a celebrity’. I could not even bear to see the pictures taken, as I knew that I was the chubbiest, most weird looking kid in class – I constantly felt like the odd one out.  Moreover, that same year a male friend told me that I am a ‘number 4 out of 10 attractive’ – 1 being ugly and 10 looking awesome. I had hoped that the outcome would help me realise that I was not unattractive, yet I was wrong. I remember feeling nauseous and sad. His perception changed when he saw me wearing a pink dress with black leggings, pink ‘high heels’, with curled hair and some makeup for graduation day, as he and many boys in class told me that ‘I looked the prettiest’. I felt confident and proud of who I was – nothing could bring me down at that time. Yet, on that day I started believing that all men care about is one’s appearance.

Later it dawned on me that one of the reasons why I look forward to Carnival every year is because I can be whoever I want to be – just like graduation day. It is the only time where I experience pure joy and self-confidence – no one can tell me I do not look attractive, as if they do, I can blame it on the character that I am dressed as. Moreover, by time I also developed the habit of curling my hair using different techniques and somehow nothing or no one can break my confidence when my hair is wavy or curly as I believe that I look much better. In fact, it is not the first time that I thought of permanently perming my hair. And whilst this reasoning may have originated from social media and photo filters, I know that the comment made by my male friend definitely had an important part to do with this.

I spent most of my secondary years believing that I am the ugliest and fattest in class compared to my classmates. I was also told multiple times to ‘wax my brows’ so that they do not look chunky, and when I did go to a beautician to help me fix my eyebrows, she started picking on my acne, which had been bothering me for years. I still have acne and I cannot do much to help it as my skin is too sensitive for most washes, moisturisers, toners, etc. She started popping my pimples with her tweezers and telling me that when I grow up I will have unattractive acne scars – what one of my grandfathers had been telling me for years. While I would be happy that I was going to fit in with the rest of my peers, I used to leave the shop with a red face and tweezer marks all over my face making me feel embarrassed and ashamed of myself. Unfortunately, that was not enough, as many still complained that they were too dark for me – it felt like nothing I did could make me look attractive.

During my post-secondary years, I changed my style quite often, started experimenting with my hair and occasionally putting on makeup. This helped me feel a little better about myself, until my male best friend at the time started going out with my other best friend because she was ‘prettier’. I was always trying to be ‘her type of beautiful’ as I felt inferior next to her.  And yes, I understand that when it comes to relationships, we cannot choose who we like. However, considering that we had gotten to know each other so well during those two years and that she had been calling him ugly for a whole year, it was heartbreaking for me. Not only was my physical appearance appalling, so was my personality. How can I find someone who loves me unconditionally if no part of me is attractive?

I decided to spend the summer before starting University working with children. While it was shocking to hear a child call me ugly because I had pimples on my face, it did not affect me as much, as after my prior ‘best friend’ situation, I thought I had developed a ‘tough shell’. However, during that summer, a ‘male friend’ didn’t want me to see what he was holding (which later I found out, was an LED light in the form of a flower), as he was going to give it to a “much prettier, skinnier and sexy looking” lady. Another ‘male friend’ laughed and affirmed what the first male had said. Obviously, this broke me to my core – I have not met or gone out with any of them since, and I am trying my best to avoid these ‘friends’ who had the audacity to humiliate me in front of my other friends.

Nowadays I still look at the mirror and see a ‘blob of fat’ with a ‘weird looking face’. I still see someone who is ‘not attractive enough’ to find someone that can accept me as I am. In fact, I cannot stand looking at a specific family picture we had taken during a pre-covid outing as I feel I look literally like a potato. I feel uncomfortable during online lectures and online meetings as it is very easy to make fun of someone behind the screen, and the camera does not do me any justice. I also became reluctant to talk about my low self esteem as I did not want my mother to worry or feel sad for me, nor did I want my sisters to be influenced by this. My mind was in a never-ending battle and I did not want to accept the fact that my low self esteem made me turn wonderful memories into horrible ones.

However, I am starting to learn how to accept myself, as while going through photos that were taken during different periods in my life where my self-esteem was extremely low, I now experience an empathic feeling looking these pictures as I believe that I would have looked great, but I was not able to appreciate my uniqueness and beauty. I now realise that if it were not subjected to those comments throughout my life, I would look at these pictures and the mirror with a sense of pride. I do feel beautiful at times, even though I still prefer having a Snapchat filter on. I have come to understand that even though I am not thin, I am still healthy and thus have started accepting my body type just like I accept everyone else’s.

I have learnt a lot from those comments, but I also realise how other people’s opinions on me influenced me – something that I don’t let affect me as much now as I believe all that matters is what I think of myself. I learnt to accept compliments and not respond with “yeah but” or “really?”. Each and every one of us has flaws – we are all on a journey to better ourselves. I try hard every day to find something positive about myself and turn it into an affirmation. Finally, I learnt that self-esteem and confidence should come from within, and not be based on other people’s ideas of beauty.

Please, take my experience as an example and remember how words have led to my low self esteem – let’s be kind to each other and to ourselves. Treat yourself like you would treat a child or best friend. Give yourself compliments, flowers, soft toys, etc. Stand up for yourself and do not let others break you. You are beautiful, strong, and deserving of love. Do not fall into the traps of social media influence – pictures you see are most often edited in some way or another. If you feel confident with makeup, then put on makeup. If you feel confident wearing your hair a certain way, nothing is stopping you from doing it. If you have a specific clothing style, follow it. Nothing is stopping you from being yourself or treating yourself in a way to enhance your confidence, but keep in mind that without all those, you are already gorgeous – inside and out. It is okay to be different – your uniqueness makes you beautiful.

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