Platonic Love And The Importance Of Adult Friendships

Throughout a human’s childhood and teenage years, it is made very clear to them that forming bonds of friendship with others is extremely important and actually quite vital to the experience of ‘being a kid’. As one eases into adulthood however, platonic relationships do not lose their importance – and yet one often runs the risk of forgetting how to build new friendships with others, the more time passes. Whilst the idea of maintaining said friendships we formed in our childhood is not something new to us, especially on a small island like Malta, there are not many conversations to be found growing up on the topic of seeking out and building platonic love as we move into adulthood. There are countless beautiful stories to be told and experienced about romantic love between adults, but what about the beautiful nature of platonic love and affection, and the paths that adult relationships take throughout one’s life, and the roles these relationships play?

But first, what is platonic love? The phrase is derived from the Greek philosopher Plato, who wrote in his work The Symposium about a banquet where people declared their love for Eros, which led to those in attendance debating the notion of love and the nuances of it, and the varying forms it may take. Plato spoke of this romanceless love then more in the context of heterosexual and homosexual relationships – a love that did not fall into the grips of lustful carnal desires and had more noble reasons for existing – whereas we now speak of ‘platonic love’ as being a love that does not include any sexual desire or attraction, nor any romantic associations. The love that may be found between friends – and a love no less important than that which can be found in romance.

For many people, the structure of life is taught to them within the confines of fairly linear rules. As they begin to grasp the notion of relationship types, one is told that one’s youth is for friends, and one’s adulthood is for finding a romantic partner and ‘settling down’ to have children. Whilst there is much to be said for this not being the case for everyone, and that we are finally moving away as a society from considering this the only path for people to take, there is also much to be said for the role that platonic love plays in this scenario; or rather, the lack of a role platonic love plays in these base scenarios provided to us growing up. Through contextualising the idea of ‘love’ so emphatically within the scope of romantic partners, as we learn and grow and ask questions, platonic love tends to remain largely hidden and unspoken of – and sometimes even forgotten – to the detriment of the fullness of one’s life.

Building meaningful friendships from scratch as an adult can be very scary, particularly as a woman or as part of a marginalised community. In these cases, one tends to have an innate sense of competition with others who are similar to them – resultant of a patriarchal society that pushes for competitiveness and jealousy, and fighting for limited spaces that only allow scraps for those who aren’t the privileged norm in high places. In maintaining this ongoing competition between people, particularly when building up a career and a professional life, it becomes very difficult to then go on to find meaningful platonic love as an adult, free from the pressures of having to compete with anyone who may have similar dreams and goals.

But it is not impossible, and ever so worth it.

Romantic love, whatever form that may take for a person, can provide such a full experience throughout a lifetime – but life can be even more full when one embraces the idea that it truly does take so many varying forms, and that it needs not only be considered in romantic terms. Life can be terribly lonely for adults who have not been equipped with the tools to make new friendships as they get older. There are some people who maintain their childhood friendships throughout their lives – and this can be fairly simple and wonderful, particularly if one does not move away from their birth country and all said friends grow consistently with each other. When lives align and interweave in similar ways it can be fantastic – however, people are different and it is not always the case.

There are many who grow apart from those they knew well within their youth. Some move away or go through too many shifts and mental growth spurts in different directions in order to maintain the same level of friendship they once had – perhaps they realise their lives and ideals do not align as they once did, or their passions and goals have become too different to carry on in the same way. Just like with romantic love, platonic love shifts and changes, and sometimes needs to be left behind. This does not mean, however, that one needs to relinquish friendships altogether – because everyone deserves to be and feel loved, in all forms that love can take.

Society enjoys distracting us from finding rich relationships with each other. Let us take women, for example. One grows up to be a woman who has been exposed to consistent stories of other women fighting and being ever-so supposedly “catty” to one another; one is told not to trust other women, and that women hurt with their speech rather than their fists, and that women will always aim for another woman to fail rather than succeed. One is told that women cannot ever be friends with straight men, and vice versa; that there cannot exist a scenario in which a man and woman love each other deeply and platonically, and simply do not want to have sex. The list is endless. And this endless list is deeply and horribly limiting, not only for our views on love as humans, but also for the potential of our lives and our joy.

These baseless ‘rules’ only lead to tension and jealousy and friction in our romantic relationships – it just does not end well.

Such societal pressures on love being a thing reserved for romantic relationships alone is one of the root causes for the anxiety surrounding making meaningful friendships as an adult. There is so much weight placed upon forming relationships outside of our romantic partner/s, that making any attempt to do so seemingly appears to have too much emotional baggage to even try. Once we remove the expectations society places on adults, however, and once we wade through the ideas that it has planted in our heads, then we actually find something quite simple and quite beautiful for us to explore – platonic love, and intimacy, and the richness of friendships that may last a week or a lifetime, but either way have something wonderful to add to our experience as humans.

Love is amazing, in all its forms, and holding love prisoner within confines we have built as a society is truly our own loss, because no human is an island, and love need not be reserved for one person. If we are able to love our families, then we can love our friends – and the adult friendship that is full of love and light plays a vital role in a healthy life, one within which a person need not feel alone, and need not expect a romantic partner to fulfill every single relationship need – the latter being unfair for all parties in any relationship.

Let us learn to feel comfortable within platonic love. Let us find freedom and joy in telling our friends just how much we love and cherish them. Let us not restrict love by gender or societal pressures and patriarchal competition. Let us hug and kiss and dance with our friends, and make it weird until it is weird no longer.

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