I can’t breathe … That is the primary thought that races through my mind every time that I suffer an anxiety attack due to an anxiety disorder. Then my chest tightens, my heart starts racing, my body starts trembling, I have trouble focusing and I am filled with the most awful feeling of dread ever. At that moment in time, the world stops.
Then I remember to breathe … slow breaths whilst holding myself tight … and my focus starts to come back.
I open my tear-filled eyes and I can see the world again. Slowly, it all starts getting better again and I manage to put that anxiety attack behind me and continue with my life. That is my situation today. However, Rome wasn’t built in a day and it took me a while to learn how to deal with anxiety attacks.
In the beginning, when this anxiety disorder hit me, I couldn’t control these episodes at all and each one I suffered basically drowned me. Let me start at the beginning … I was always a perfectionist yet, as funny as this sounds, I was also care-free and happy-go-lucky. I took obstacles that crossed my path in my own stride and I always managed to find a solution for everything without making a huge fuss. I always managed to find the rainbow in any dark day.
That was me … until I met a narcissist who very nearly destroyed my life. The lies, the cheating, the oppression, the mind games, the beatings … all gave birth to my anxiety disorder.
Gone were my care-free thoughts. Everything turned black and there was no rainbow in sight anymore. Every obstacle, no matter how small it was in reality, looked and felt unsurpassable to me. My reaction to every problem was to not be able to react in the slightest – I was like a rabbit caught in a car’s headlights – transfixed and confused.
Then after that, anxiety hit me full force like a freight train – first I felt the waves of panic washing over me, each one stronger than the one before. My chest started to tighten and hurt. My whole body became rigid on the outside yet trembling from the inside. The world started blurring in front of my eyes and I lost focus.
And the worst feeling of them all – I was taking in breath after breath yet I couldn’t breathe. I felt like I was being strangled …. Gasping for breath to no avail.
And for the first few months I simply couldn’t control it. I kept hyper-ventilating until there were times when I actually fainted. Then when I came about, I started to re-gain some focus.
I would then resort to crying as a sort of self-release. But this had consequences too, as one look at my red-rimmed eyes would send the narcissist into yet another rant of what a drama queen I was and of how I was always trying to make a whole issue out of nothing just so that I would get some attention. And my anxiety would re-ignite all over again. It was one whole vicious circle and it was eating me alive.
I stopped eating well. My weight plummeted. I started picking out my eyelashes. The anxiety increased. I became a shell of my former self. Then one fine day, after yet another beating and a volley of insults, I finally took the decision to leave the narcissist and all he encompassed, once and for all. And it was at that moment that my worst anxiety attack hit me with indescribable force. That is one episode that I never want to feel again and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.
My whole body was hurting from the physical pain it was in. My mind was reeling. And then the anxiety … I was literally struggling to breathe and it got so bad that I had to call up my parents in the early hours of the morning for help.
That was the end of the most horrible chapter in my life. From then on, I embarked on the painful, bumpy path towards healing. Funnily enough this path also proved to be beautiful … along it I re-found myself, I re-connected with my family and friends whom the narcissist had isolated me from, I found the love of my life and I finally started seeing the beauty in life once more.
My anxiety has not however abandoned me, it is still with me – controllable now but still present. Along the way, I have learned how to control the attacks and I am sharing this in the hope that maybe, it will help someone else out there:
1. Close your eyes.
2. Tell a loved one to hug you tight, or if you are by yourself, hug yourself tight. This will create a cocoon of safety for you.
3. Try to control your breath and take slow, deep breaths.
4. Try to focus on a happy thought and cling to it.
After a few minutes, the anxiety passes and you will be able to function again. Slowly but surely, the quantity and the severity of the anxiety attacks will decrease.
On a closing note – To all of you out there who suffer from anxiety, don’t be ashamed to talk about it and don’t be scared to seek professional help. Accepting it and opening up about it, even to a professional, is the first step to overcoming it. Remember that mental illness and anxiety do not render you weak nor is it something to be stigmatised for. It is a reality for many, many people out there and you are not alone! For me, my anxiety is like a healed scar that I carry – a bittersweet, lifelong reminder that I survived a great deal of pain and lived to tell the tale.
Anxiety disorder falls under the category of mental illness. It is much more common than some may think. If you are experiencing any issues related to mental health including anxiety, do not be afraid to speak out. You may book an appointment for a therapy session with Richmond Foundation by calling on 21445551 or 79990409, or else send an email on [email protected]. You may also contact Kellimni on https://kellimni.com/, who offer chat, email or messaging support.
If you have an experience you’d like to share with our readers, please contact or email us on [email protected]. Your confidentiality is guaranteed.
