Coming Out As A Pansexual To Others And Most Importantly To Myself

I have been debating on whether or not I should write this article ever since I found out that an awareness day on Coming Out exists somewhere in the world. However, fear stopped me from doing so; fear of judgement, fear of harassment, fear of being discriminated against, and so on. I thought about putting this article in my name, yet I am still not ready for some reactions I may get – writing it anonymously dissociates me from being the writer, thus certain criticism can be taken less harshly. The downfall to this is that if it were to be in my name, those experiencing similar emotions could feel safer opening up to me, and I could possibly serve as inspiration.

I finally decided that it is best to stay hidden in the closet, holding onto the key firmly, until I feel that the world is ready for another unique person. I know that those who know me personally may guess who I am. After all, I do think that I have a specific writing style. And frankly, I do not know if I mind or not. On one hand, I am excited as they may finally get to know who I really am – no more hiding or twisting of truths. On the other hand, possible comments like ‘I would be afraid you’ll like me like that’ scare me.

For those who haven’t caught up yet, I am talking about coming out, which is quite a heavy subject – at least that is how I see it. A few weeks ago, on October 11^th to be exact, Coming Out was celebrated – only in the United States. If I may ask, why is it only a national day for American citizens and not for the whole world? News Flash – individuals identifying with or as someone or something are everywhere!

Coming Out to family members or to friends is scary for many. But something that we do not always think about is coming out to ourselves – accepting ourselves, our identity.

I’ve spent all my life looking at women and being mesmerised by their beauty. But when it came to speaking about it, I would actually say that the guy next to them is the one I like. One particular example is when I used to see the ‘Phantom of the Opera’ – everyone would be saying how gorgeous Raul is and how lucky Christine is to have him. While I would be vocally agreeing with them, in my mind I would be saying “Yeah no, Raul? Nope. He is the lucky one for having her!”. Ever since I was young, liking girls more than boys felt normal, but I hid it. Liking guys? That was a piece of cake – all I had to do is to say ‘wow he’s cute’ and that’s it – I’m straight.

During secondary school, I started realising the ‘weirdness’ of this – why is everyone liking the boyfriend, but I like the girlfriend? Or sometimes even both?! The question ‘Am I normal?’ was bold in my mind. I was called ‘lesbian’ by a particular classmate as well, when I had not even come out, or knew what I actually was at the time. It scared me though. If they thought I was straight, and yet still called me a lesbian while throwing papers at me, what would they do if they knew what had been going on in my mind all those years?

Luckily, I have always had an open relationship with my mum, and at around 14-ish, I told her that I thought I was bisexual. However for some reason, it still did not feel completely true to me. At the time I still didn’t share my thoughts on sexuality with my friends, and eventually, I was labelled as one of the straightest schoolgirls in our group. To top that up, I had not had a crush on a girl for quite some time, so I thought that I may have been mistaken, and that possibly I did like men after all. That changed when I entered University though.

During an online lecture, while in a specific breakout room, I started speaking on a personal level with a girl – a girl that I had always seen as extremely pretty. And I started experiencing feelings – she was loving, funny and non-judgmental. She was always keen to help and was not fake. This confused me. The character and bond that was formed in the breakout room was what led me to the answer I had been looking for – it was not how she looked that mattered to me! Following this realisation, the word bisexual did not seem to define me anymore. So obviously, I did what everyone would do in my case – search on google.

According to google, I fell within the pansexual category. Great! So not only was I dealing with a crush on a straight female classmate, but according to a bunch of quizzes, I was something I never even thought existed! To my surprise, the description fit me perfectly – ‘any type of attraction formed regardless of the sex or gender identity’.

That was when I started noticing that in reality I do not care whether it’s a female, male, they, them, trans, etc. The person’s character had always been the first thing I focus on, and it was after that that I would be able to form a connection with the person – a special bond, which is extremely hard to break, even if communication is cut short.

I started experiencing anxiety during lectures eventually, as I was afraid that someone would notice me putting her zoom box next to mine. I liked the idea of hanging out with her, and I wished for it to happen – but it scared me. I cried and cried, and initially hid it from my mother and sister. I knew they would accept me regardless of who or what I am. But it hurt, I could not find it within me to accept myself. Saying I was pansexual scared me as it felt too true. Eventually I did talk to my mother and she encouraged me to talk to my therapist about it – why was I so accepting of anyone in the LGBTIQ+ community, but not of myself? Following a session with my therapist I came to the conclusion that I have a crippling fear of how society would react to me coming out. Unfortunately society is not as accepting as we wish it to be. I cut my hair, and for that I started getting negative looks. What would happen if I dared to hold a woman’s hand in public?

Today I am proud to say that I am a pansexual with the few individuals I dared to come out to. I feel like the values I have in relation to finding that special someone are perfectly right for me. I am slowly changing the way I look so that my outside reflects my inside. And honestly, I keep asking myself, why should I be afraid of losing individuals who claim to be my friends only when I tick their boxes? Shouldn’t they be happy for me for finally finding myself? I know I am. But it is definitely not an easy journey.

To anyone reading this and identifying with my experience – coming out to yourself may probably be the hardest thing you will ever face. But it is also the most important. How can you expect others to accept you if you can’t even accept yourself? Remember, once you accept yourself and who you are, you will find a whole community ready to support you, ready to wave the flag you identify with, with pride!

Coming out should NOT be just an American national annual date – it should be regarded as just another normal phase in life. Whenever you feel that the time is right for you, come out from your closet and let your light shine!

You should not be afraid to be who you truly are, or to love whoever you feel is best for you! You deserve the happiness and love you have always wanted! You deserve to be you! The world deserves to see the real you!

I promise, though it may be hard for you to accept yourself now, everything will eventually fall into place. Loving yourself the way you truly are is the best prize you can gift yourself with – and by time it all gets better and easier.

As the famous RuPaul says: “if you can’t love yourself, how the hell are you gonna love somebody else?”

Now, “sashay away” and go wave your flag with pride sweety! You deserve to celebrate YOU!

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