Dear Mum,
You’ve been gone so long, you’ve left me with so many mixed feelings. I need to let it all out even though you can’t read this.
Why didn’t you pick me up when I cried? Why did you push me away? You never hugged me or kissed me, I was only just a little girl. I needed you dear mum, yet you were so cold. You told me nice stories about Jesus but you also mentioned the devil so many times. I was so terrified each time I did something wrong because I knew you would beat me up and as if that was not enough, I would lay wide awake so afraid the devil would get me next. I just can’t remember the times you told me I was bad.
Somehow I still loved you and wanted you to love me. I was around seven when you told me you never wanted me because you wanted a boy. That hurt bad, I cried alone and I hated God because he should have made me a boy. From then on I hated my body, I believed it was the cause of you not loving me. Still I tried my best to please you but nothing ever changed.
Remember when I came crying because someone touched my private parts? You called me a liar and told me never to speak about it again. I begged you not to leave me alone with him but you always ignored me. You also told me that even if it was true, it was my fault and I deserved it. I believed you and obeyed, I blamed myself and never spoke about it. This made me hate my body even more you know.
Then when I was raped I never whispered a word, yet you knew because someone told you. I was too young and naive to really know what happened to me, I never knew anything about sex, and missing two periods meant nothing to me. You surely knew what that meant though because you gave me tablets and when I was in pain you called the doctor. Why did you traumatize me that way mum? I got to know that that was an abortion two years later at school. How could a mum be so cruel to her own child?
While I’m at it, I need to let you know a secret dear mum, I was sexually active at fifteen. After all I had nothing to lose, my body was worthless, I was just rubbish. I got pregnant at sixteen, I could never tell you, I was so scared of you. You would have surely beaten the hell out of me – so I took the abortion pills myself. Only me and my boyfriend knew about it.
At seventeen I started having doubts about my boyfriend, I told you about my feelings but you said I had no choice, I must stay with him. I hated you mum and I loved you at the same time. I always tried to please you so nobody in the church would shun you, for the world outside you were a saint. Everybody loved you and you were so happy and proud of yourself.
My married life was hell from the first day but I stayed. I stayed because I had no other option, I did not have any money, I just could not leave and end up on the streets with my kids. I begged you to take me in but you wouldn’t. Finally I found a way to leave him and you were not happy at all, you called me all kinds of names and said I was a dishonour to the family. I begged you for money to feed my hungry kids until I get on my own two feet but you wouldn’t budge.
You hurt me so badly, I could even say you destroyed me dear mum, but I still never could find it in my heart to hate you. I took you in when you were old and very sick. I took care of you and before you died you asked me for forgiveness. I said I forgive you but I did not really mean it. It took me years wondering why you treated me that way.
However I do forgive you now for all that you put me through, I don’t need to know the reason why. Bye mum.
It took so many therapy sessions to deal with all my past and rebuild myself. I wish things were different but unfortunately we don’t get to choose our parents. The important thing was that I never gave up, I fought against all odds until finally I freed myself from all this and am living happily and at peace. In life there is always a way out of our misery if we search hard enough. The strength within us will see us through and there is always light at the end of the darkest tunnel.
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