I have been wanting to write this article for a while now, but fear of being called ‘overdramatic’ or inappropriate won over me. I also wanted to wait for the right time – a time where I can say that I am clinically diagnosed with depression, something that for some might not seem ‘huge’ or ‘important’.
The term depression is used loosely on several occasions, including to explain how sad we are at the moment and how stressed we feel. In the past academic year, a lecturer actually pointed out to us students that by not knowing the answer to her question we would be causing her depression. Let me spell this out in a nice way: if depression was just that, it would not be needing the awareness and attention that year after year we try to give it. Depression is not simply feeling tired of the work we need to do; it is not the disappointment that comes from an unanswered question. It genuinely hurts me whenever I hear someone say such things about depression.
It was never my intention to put out such an article since it might upset certain individuals– until my own thoughts actually scared me, leading me to want to do my share in raising awareness on this possibly fatal illness by sharing my own experience, and at the same time impact the life of individuals with depression by showing them that they are not on their own, and that they are not flawed nor problematic.
I believe I’ve had depression for a couple of years, and while I have a vague idea of the time it started, I am not fully sure about what led me where I stand today. Ever since I was young, I witnessed domestic abuse on a daily basis, I’ve suffered from very low self esteem and lack of confidence, and I always felt like the odd one out – one who was not deserving of food since there are others in need, or who does not deserve to breathe or walk on earth – I felt fake, I felt like I was a fraud. I have always had high expectations, and was always trying hard to prove myself to others, including to my family. I was someone who was never happy with what I achieved and gained throughout time. Despite all this, I was frequently described as a happy child – and I was somehow, until my life turned into a sudden rollercoster.
From my grandfather’s cancer diagnosis, to friend betrayals, to being taken advantage of, to letting anxiety win over me, till the present time. Crying became my language. My bed became my best friend. My phone became a shoulder to lean on. Being sad and alone became my life. The voice in my head told me multiple times that everyone would be better without me, and while sometimes I thought of finding an ‘escape’, I was never too scared.
However, as I lay in my bed in the dark right now, I am scared. I am scared that my thoughts will win. Nothing new happened to cause this, just a family quarrel. But everything has caught up with me and I am overwhelmed. Overwhelmed with how irritated everyone seems to be by me. Overwhelmed with the failure that my romantic life is. Overwhelmed with how fake I feel amongst my friends and family. Overwhelmed by the constant feelings of sadness, anger, loneliness. Overwhelmed by all the negative feelings my body image gives me. I am tired of how my life is unfolding, and so those dreaded depressive thoughts have started coming in again – would someone actually miss me when I am gone? I texted my friend – no reply. I can’t go to my sisters – they’re too young for this. I can’t go to my mother – i would worry her too much. My father – haha he’s kind of hopeless. I am genuinely scared. I am not capable of seeing what my future holds. I am not even capable to see myself living through the upcoming season, which is approaching in a few months. I’ve never felt more alone. Nothing I do is right. I need a break.
After some time, my brain calmed down and those dreaded destructive thoughts did too. But knowing how real ‘the end’ felt, i am still scared. I’ve been taking anti-depressants for almost a year, and I have never been worse – tonight I could have ended taking more than just my anti-depressants. Not many people can comprehend the idea that ‘too much’ can be too much for someone, and that too much can take the person to the edge. A website I visited tonight stated that suicides are a result of feeling optionless, and in a way I agree.
I feel suffocated, tired, upset, alone and so much more, and I do not know what quality of life this kind of life may have. Will I be like this all my life? Is this how my life is going to turn out to be? This is my story, but this is also what the fight against depression is like on a daily basis for many others, not just me. And this is why we need to stop using the word depression so loosely.
If you too are going through depression, I cannot reassure you or say that it will get better, but I can say that you are definitely not alone. I understand how you feel. What you are feeling isn’t weakness, nor does it imply that you are strange. Unfortunately, our education system lacks awareness about mental health; it does not teach coping mechanisms; it does not teach us how we can cope when living with anxiety and depression. And society does not make it easy for us to share our true feelings since there is still taboo tied to mental health.
Know that you do have potential. You are listened to and loved, even if you feel otherwise. I care about you and so do the future friends you haven’t yet come to meet. You deserve all the positivity in the world. Please, take care of yourself. Nurture yourself as you would nurture your past young self if you could see her staring back at you in your mirror. You are worthy and deserving of love!
If you are experiencing any issues related to mental health, do not be afraid to speak out. You may book an appointment for a therapy session with Richmond Foundation by calling on 21445551 or 79990409, or else send an email on [email protected]. You may also contact Kellimni on https://kellimni.com/, who offer chat, email or messaging support.
Do you have an experience you’d like to share with us at wham, either in your name or anonymously? Contact us or send us an email at [email protected]
