Everyone Had Warned Me, But I Did Not Listen

Everyone had warned me, but I did not listen. I chose not to listen. I ignored them all. Family, friends, people who genuinely cared…

I swear, I didn’t do it on purpose. Yet, in the state of mind that I was in, I did just that.

Why is it that by having a good forgiving heart I keep on enabling myself to be abused over and over and over again? Why is it that my trust has to keep on being broken? Why can’t I learn to put myself first, once and for all, and not fall for fake promises of change? Why do I let myself forget all the pain and abuse I’ve been through for decades when I witness his pretentious emotional pain?

It has been multiple times that I carefully planned my escape from an abusive relationship lasting more than two decades. Yet I fall for the crying, the desperation, the sadness. 

Every. Single. Time.

I am quite the intuitive – I know beyond doubt that when I do manage to leave him, he truly wants to change. But I’m coming to realise that wanting to change is not enough. I’m coming to realise that some individuals do not know how to truly empathise with another human being especially when it is related to their own sexual needs.

Two decades of on and off abuse have passed. Two decades full of promises, courses, and counselling. Two decades of bouts of depression, increasing anxiety, along with psychiatric visits and the medications that these mental health conditions bring forth. Two decades of unintentionally dragging our children into this cobweb of uncertainty. And yes, I feel guilt related to this too…why weren’t I a stronger woman in the face of abuse?

Yes, two decades have passed. Yet today I have been groped back into the horrible nightmare that I have lived throughout the past. Today, refusing to consent to sex due to being overtired and too stressed to satisfy his sexual needs wasn’t an option. My refusal wasn’t enough to stop him from touching my body over and over. And with every move of his hands, I felt dirtier. Used. Abused. I’ve been dragged back into the past. Triggered.

For the past months I had truly believed (or wanted to believe) that he had changed. I thought I was a survivor of abuse who had still managed to bring about change in his behaviour. I was honestly proud of all I had achieved.

Yet today, I am back to being the victim.

Today I’m once again that piece of crap which has to still look presentable and fight back her tears and continue working on my goal that can possibly offer me a better future, even though finances still have a long way to reach me. 

Throughout these two decades I’ve lost too many things, including myself, due to what has been. I am not losing my chance of succeeding in reaching my goal, and eventually being able to support myself and my children. He has taken my dignity, my authenticity, my self-esteem, my free spirit, possibly half my life. But he will not take this from me.

I am not writing this for self pity. I know I have to keep on wearing a mask for a couple of years until I can reach my destination. I am writing this with hope that it reaches at least one woman who is still thinking of forgiving an abuser who is trying to take control over her life.

You are worthy. Know your worth. Listen to those who try to open your eyes, who give you the advice to run, rather than stay. If I did when so many loved ones warned me about this, I wouldn’t be writing this article right now. Certain people will never change, no matter how much they wish or want. Certain people will always allow their animalistic behaviour to take over and control them when their mask can’t stay fixed on their faces any more. 

And if you, reading this, are luckily not in such a relationship – please look out for signs in other women who have been stripped from all their self esteem, and who have come to believe that they are indeed worth nothing. Talk to them. Offer your help. Be there for them. Help them out. Because it is not as easy for some women to leave the past behind, even if their past has been tormenting. The trauma can be much more than emotional – it can leave a negative impact on their physical health too, literally immobilising them from moving forward.

Never judge a woman who stays – you can’t understand the trauma she has to go through to make it through successfully.

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