Marital Sexual and Emotional Abuse – Real Woman, Real Experience

This is my story. A true story of almost two decades of marital sexual and emotional abuse where I had to sacrifice my own happiness…

We tend to look at couples and remark about how their lives look, from our own perspective. Truth is, no one knows exactly what happens behind closed doors unless they are with them.

This is my story. A true story of almost two decades of marital sexual and emotional abuse … before and during marriage. A story where like any other mother, I had to sacrifice my own happiness for my own children’s…or so I thought at the time.

The Beginning

It all started when I met him. I was 17 at the time, and he was 5 years older than me. I was young, innocent, having been brought up in a very Christian Catholic family. I was adamant that I wouldn’t have sex before marriage, following my religious values. Yet in a couple of months’ time I was forced into having sex. I felt used, helpless…I felt that nobody would ever want me after having lost my virginity before marriage. I felt like I had no way out.

This went on for a couple more months, where I was afraid of leaving him. Refusing sex meant I would be punished by a lot of shouting, insults and accusations of infidelity. I was being controlled, not only sexually, but emotionally as well. I was emotionally drained.

Soon after my 18th birthday he got me pregnant. Telling my parents was the hardest thing I had experienced until then. I couldn’t say that I was being abused and controlled, I had already dishonored my family, being the religious family that it was. I had only one option…marriage.

In a couple of months I got married. In my heart I was hoping that someone would stop the marriage. Surely there were people who, if they wanted to, could see through that I was being controlled and abused. But unfortunately, no one stepped in. I yearned to be saved from what seemed to be my destiny, but that didn’t happen.

Emotional Abuse

Throughout the years I suffered through emotional abuse. I was constantly called names, manipulated into thinking that I was always the one causing trouble in our relationship. I was continuously accused of having affairs and being unfaithful to him, even though he knew every step I made, every place I was at, every person I was to meet. I couldn’t go anywhere unless I explained where, why and with who. I was constantly investigated about my whereabouts. Going somewhere without permission or taking longer, even if I was buying groceries, meant that I was having sex with another man…at least that was what I was accused of all the time. I felt controlled. I actually WAS controlled, to a point where he would even check my underwear before I would go out. I wasn’t allowed to wear any underwear apart from plain black, white or skin colour. Trying to wear a different colour meant that I was going to cheat on him…or at least that’s what he thought.

Sexual Abuse

Saying no to sex, before and after marriage, meant that I was “getting it from another man”. Refusing him would mean no sleep and at least 4 hours or sometimes a whole night of accusations. How could I refuse when I knew I was going to be punished in that way?

This sexual abuse throughout almost two decades resulted in 3 pregnancies in total. The times I spent pregnant didn’t change his attitude towards me. I still couldn’t say no to sex, even until the day I was to give birth. I still got the same accusations of infedelity, even though he had absolutely no reason to doubt me.

Financial Control

Ever since the day we married, he wanted to keep his own account to himself. Yet for the first couple of years I had absolutely no financial help from him. That, coupled with all the above mentioned abuse resulted in my jobs being constantly an issue to him. He never trusted me at work. For years I worked in sales, and unfortunately as many know, there is the tendency that people like going into shops to purchase items just as stores are about to close. Staying late, even if it was 5 minutes past closing time, meant I was having sex with clients at the shop for him. He was literally obsessed with me being unfaithful, to a point where I was feeling suffocated all the time. Life was a constant battle. Eventually I stopped working. I couldn’t take the accusations. I had no strength to fight it, to fight for my rights. Eventually he started giving me a couple of hundreds a month so I can feed us. Trust me when I say, the amount given wasn’t enough to feed a total of 3 family members, let alone 5. For almost two decades I only went to a hairdresser maybe once a year (two times if I was lucky), to have a cut. I wouldn’t even ask for a blowdry because that would make me spend more on me, and I had too much responsibilities to even think about giving something to myself, even if for many it is actually a necessity and not a luxury.

Buying clothes was also out of the question. I’ve lived my marital life up until today depending on clothing donations, and this means having to wear things that do not actually help me flatter my rather chubby physique. For years, and if I want to be totally honest even until today, I try my hardest to avoid meeting people because I feel like my image and the way I dress due to this brings down the person that I truly am. It makes me feel inferior, and it has damaged my self esteem throughout the years.

Lack of Support

Throughout the years I raised 3 children. And I say ‘I’ because honestly, I felt that even though I was married and that my children’s father was present, he was only physically there. He never helped out with our children’s upbringing. I had to take all responsibility for everything they needed. I was like a single mother living a married life. I provided all emotional support that my children need. Thankfully I never sacrificed their needs, as I always made sure they are my priority, providing them with everything they needed throughout the years. I must say however that as a mother, and I’m sure like most mothers, I also wish from time to time that I could have given them much more in life…but I am still thankful that I have passed onto them a lot of strong values, and most importantly, unconditional love.

Mental Health

Undoubtedly, all these years of abuse have left unlimited scars all over me. And whilst I was never physically hit, and I have never suffered from bruises and blows, I feel scarred for life. Living with a constantly emotionally abusive man has made me learn to seek survival tactics which could help me get through each day, or rather, one minute after the other. I had to learn to observe his ways, his patterns, what made him angry, what triggered him…I then had to learn to think and reflect fast. With every word he told me, I learned to reflect quickly, and know exactly what to respond, how to say it, which was the exact phrase and tone to use, so as not to trigger abusive behaviour. I cannot say that I was always successful, but through the years I think I have managed to avoid quite a lot of abuse through this. The art of reflection has actually saved my life.

However, this doesn’t mean that I managed to avoid an impact on my mental health. Throughout the years I have suffered from depression, had to take quite a good amount of anti-depressants, and learning to reflect quickly on possible scenarios and phrases to answer him with meant that I also suffered from anxiety for many years as well.

Running Away

Throughout the years I had to leave three times from home, running away to a shelter with my children. Three times in a span of about 15 years. All three times I ended up getting back with the father of my children, thinking it was for their best. However, time has shown me that it actually wasn’t the best decision I took in those three times. Living in a shelter isn’t easy, and even so when you add to that being pregnant (yes I have also left while pregnant), having depression, lacking self confidence, lacking a purpose in life, feeling like a nobody, as well as having zero monetary savings, no job and no outside help.

Children Need Love

Throughout the years I thought that children need a home, and in their home they need their father and mother with them. That, my friend, is incorrect. Children need LOVE. Without love surrounding their daily environment, even if there is both their mother and father in it, children are unhappy. An abused mother may think that staying with her children’s father is the best that she can do for them, even at the cost of being unhappy herself. But unfortunately, children observe much more than they say they do. Children tend to keep many emotions to themselves. And even if they develop a close relationship with their mother over the years, they still suffer the consequences of all they witnessed and heard through the years. Most end up suffering from depression themselves, not to mention experiencing lack of self love, self acceptance, self respect. Most also end up hating their own father for what he did to their mother through the years. And no, the mother doesn’t have to say anything bad about their father, because they know the truth…they carry it for years, sometimes without showing the extent of their emotional pain.

My Life Now…

Yes, I am still with him, and I have managed to cause a lot of changes within him. Leaving him for the third time seems to have triggered an urge to change his ways so as not to lose us. He is no longer abusive as he was before. Slowly I have learned to stand up on my own feet, have gone back to studying for a career in what I feel will allow me to live my life purpose, and so am currently working towards a better future for me and my children, and for us as a family…if he keeps up with the changes that he is working on. I didn’t ask him to change. I was ready to leave it all behind. But he wanted to change, and he worked and is still working on it to this day.

Am I sorry for all marital sexual and emotional abuse I have been through? Some may think ‘sure’, others may feel sorry for me. But no, I am actually not sorry for what I have been through.

My own experience has taught me resilience. I have learned that when I’m hit (figuratively speaking), I may fall, which most times I do, but I always bounce back up, I dust myself off and continue moving forward.

I have learned not to let current circumstances destroy my inner peace. Instead, whenever something happens that knocks me down, I reflect on it and say,”what is this trying to teach me?” – I promise, this has saved me time and time again.

What would I do if I had to go back to when it all started? I am not 100% sure, but what I am sure of is that I wouldn’t trade the love I have for my children, and the affection and love I get from them in return; the close relationship I have with them.

I wouldn’t be the woman I am today if it wasn’t for all I have gone through, and I think that it is most possible that if I could go back, I would choose to go through it all just so I can get to where I am now, maybe quicker.

I do not consider myself as beautiful as many other women out there, as the impact on my self esteem has been the biggest one of all I think, and I am still working on it to this day, however I am strong, I am resilient, I am loving, I am caring, I am kind, I am empathic. I am able to understand and feel the emotions of others with just one look, even if their words say otherwise. I find it easy to encourage others going through hard times, and through empathy I also attract others in the same boat I was in, and that makes it easier to reach out and offer support and comfort to those needing it the most, as well as much needed advice.

But that being said, if you, reading this, are going through some form of domestic violence as mentioned above, do not let yourself suffer for so many years like I did. Do not do it for your children. Your children will understand, and if not now, eventually they will.

You do NOT deserve to be abused, you do not deserve in a domestic violence or a marital sexual and emotional abuse situation…you DESERVE love, unconditional love, joyous love…a love that brings out the best in you. A love that completes you yet lets you be yourself and thrive in the way that you want to. A love that is real, that is true.

Allow yourself to love and to be loved. You deserve the very best. Every. Single. Day. Of. Your. Life.

You are WORTHY!

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If you are suffering from any kind of abuse, be it marital sexual and emotional abuse or any other domestic violence situation, contact Appoġġ on 2295 9000 or Supportline 179 and ask to be connected with the Domestic Violence Unit (DVU). You may be assigned to a social worker who can guide you personally on the options available for you. Kindly note that 179 is free from all landlines and mobile phones, and social workers won’t contact you back unless you give them the permission to, depending on your case, so your request for help won’t jeopardise your safety in any way.

If you too have a marital sexual and emotional abuse story you would like to share in confidence with our readers, contact us or send us an email on [email protected]

The Women for Women Foundation helps women who suffer from domestic violence and marital sexual and emotional abuse to get back on their feet and learn to thrive. Click here to learn more about the foundation.