Growing apart from your partner can sometimes become inevitable, as an anonymous reader explains whilst sharing her own personal experience with us at wham – “Maybe he just doesn’t turn you on anymore…”
Let me start with some background information – I was not a virgin when I got married and neither was my husband. In fact, by that time’s standards, getting married at almost 30 was considered a bit older since the average age of marriage was usually 24 to 25 years.
At that time, I considered myself quite knowledgeable about sex – it was good between us. We were pretty uninhibited and relaxed, it wasn’t always “in the dark”. We used different sex positions including oral sex however never experimented with having anal sex. I had my first child two years later; it took me some time to get pregnant with my first-born. We had to schedule sex around my bodily temperature and menstruation cycle…it got a bit funny actually!
Anyway, even before I had my first, it was often we slept separately. He liked staying up late and I needed to wake up early for work. You see, I am a light sleeper so when he got in, I always woke up and he fell asleep immediately and started snoring. It felt like I was asleep near a group of jackhammers. So that was our prime argument, always. After my first child was born, we continued to have sex once in a while because we liked going out and I was lucky that my parents were always willing to baby sit. I had my second child 7 years later – when I was almost 40. He was my amazing accident. We were drunk and had sex. I never thought I would get pregnant seeing how hard it was to get pregnant the first time round. But I did.
However, when my 2nd child was born, I thought I had lost interest in sex. I was no longer physically attracted to my husband even though my head said I was in love with him. I thought it was me and probably would have continued to think so if I never met my first.
He was 14 years younger. I met him through common friends. Once in real life. Initially, we met in online chat rooms with a group of friends and then started talking privately and we got on. He was engaged – going to be married in a couple of years. One thing led to another and we used to engage in writing sex – not cybersex with cameras – just writing. It was then that it hit me. What I thought was this perfect marriage – and trust me loads of people thought we had the perfect marriage, and I was the perfect mum/housewife/working mum. I had changed – I wasn’t in love with my husband anymore. I respected him a lot, I cared for him, I still do in fact and we still talk and get on, but I no longer had those feelings for him. If I hadn’t met this man, my first, I would have thought I was just gone off sex. I was going through middle aged stuff. Happens to a lot of women.
So, this is what I think happens to other women too: we change. We remain married or with that life-long partner because it is expected of us. We stay “because of the kids and the family” and we want to appear so perfect to the outside world that we don’t realise that what happened is that simply love, and attraction just stopped. Sex becomes just a routine, there is no more experimenting, you just do those positions as usual – you come (maybe), he comes, and it’s done.
Although I spoke to that man – let’s call him – Paul – for quite a few months, we only met in real life once again and only had sex with him that once. But yes, the chat, the attention, the sharing of likes and dislikes – that was lovely. I didn’t have that anymore so yes, it was lovely. This was also the time that I learnt how to masturbate…with all the sexual experience I had pre-marriage and during, I had never masturbated and there was so much more that I learnt and still learn today.
There were other men after ‘Paul’. (I decided to separate from my husband after some years). The best part of having sex with them is that now I am menopausal and no longer see a period and therefore I do not worry about getting pregnant. This is a huge bonus as I am totally relaxed when having sex. Obviously, I do it safely but through my newly found freedom I can enjoy it to the full.
Do you have a personal experience you’d like to share with us at wham, either in your name or anonymously? Contact us or send us an email at [email protected]
