“How can I leave him?” – So many women feel chained by their abusers, yet for some, the pain that comes with this can never be understood…
How many times do we hear victims of domestic violence being judged for staying in abusive relationships when they could just run away? I’ve personally witnessed these type of judgements over and over, especially in social media…
“If she stayed it’s because she was still living comfortably”…
“I don’t believe this story…why would a woman stay in such a toxic relationship? She must be lying, this can’t be true!”
“Why would she subject her children to all that pain and suffering? How can she be so self-centered?”
“Can’t she just rent a place for her and the children and leave?”
STOP! Can’t you even realise that this woman is probably reading all these comments surfacing all the time on social media? Can’t you see that by putting out such comments evidently lacking empathy you are adding to the already existing abuse-inflicted pain?
Why am I saying this? The answer is simple…I AM THAT WOMAN!
Take this time to read my cry for understanding and empathy here below…
I’ve been sexually abused, I’ve been controlled, I’ve been restricted from wearing coloured underwear (yes, it was that bad!), I wasn’t allowed to learn how to drive, I was constantly accused of sleeping around, I was asked to account for every step I took outside my home, I’ve been asked to call before I go out (for grocery shopping) and call again once I get back (so timing can be considered reasonable or unreasonable), I’ve been asked what I was saying to my neighbour, I was accused of having sex at the place I used to work at when clients came in at the last moment before closing time, I had to answer his calls on the first beep or else I must be messing around (and his calls took around 70% of the time in which he wasn’t with me), I was accused of turning our children against him whenever they stuck up for me, I was accused of infidelity and punished verbally for hours every time I refused sex (which was pretty much 25 nights out of a month for well over a decade including throughout my pregnancies), I was accused of lying about him to my family (even though they always kept quiet and not interfered so as to keep our “family” together), I was constantly called names and being told that I’m just an abuser trying to blame him for everything and that he was the victim in this ‘relationship’…
Did reading this get tiring? Annoying? Suffocating? Pretty much unbelievable? Possibly…
Now imagine this being your life…Every. Single. Hour. Of. The. Day.
Draining, to say the least. The effect a person like this leaves on the one living with him is tremendously painful, confusing and psychologically damaging.
I endured the above for about 15 years. My mind couldn’t think straight. I was left with no self esteem whatsoever. I was not capable of anything, not even to think. I was depressed, anxious, lost and alone, yet in that stillness of my confused mind I could still hear his voice echo throughout my head all the time, even when he was not home.
I believed his accusations. Yes I knew I wasn’t a cheater, but seriously, through that constant suffering I was manipulated into thinking that it was actually all my fault, and that if only I was a better wife, things would be much better. Without being able to think, I had nothing. I could do nothing. I had no power.
And to top this up, there was yet another aspect in this controlling ‘relationship’ – financial control.
Since the beginning he didn’t want us to have a joint bank account. He wanted us to keep our separate accounts. I was 18 when I married (and that is yet another story of its own, which can be found at https://wham.com.mt/2020/09/16/experiencing-marital-sexual-and-emotional-abuse/) and so, I had basically no savings, as I spent the little I had on the wedding, as he requested. Whenever I managed to work (of course in the confused painful state mentioned further up), I was asked to pay for everything from my income. Month after month he didn’t allow me to save a cent.
Eventually I had to leave my workplace, as I couldn’t take the psychological abuse and its toll on my mental health. I was so depressed that I couldn’t function well.
Throughout the years I tried three times to leave this abusive relationship along with my children.
But how can I leave him? The problem that many don’t understand is this…or actually these…
No self esteem
No belief in self
No dignity
No hope
Psychologically destroyed
and especially…
No money!
How can a woman manage to rent a place and support her children when she literally has nothing?
Yes, there are shelters, and that is where I lived during those times with my children, but it is not all flowers and roses living there. Whilst I am very grateful for having a roof over my head and also being offered therapy at the time for free, I had to pay for electricity generated from my room on a weekly basis. I had to buy groceries and needs from my own pocket (we were fed every day around noon for free, but we had to take care of our other needs for the rest of the day). How can you buy what you need when you have absolutely nothing? And to top that up, two times out of three I was encouraged to leave to make space for others if I wasn’t 100% sure I was going to stay away from him…twice!
Some may say “but why didn’t she put away some money in advance for when she gets there?” How could I when I had nothing? He always made sure I had a 0 in my bank account. And the only amount he gave me in my hands once a month was basically Eur568…tell me how one can make Eur568 to last until getting back on your feet??
Some still forget the psychological and mental health issue…how can a woman who feels literally depleted show up for an interview looking lovely and all professional and well prepared, when she doesn’t even have clothes that fit her well? How can she show her abilities when she has been so destroyed that she can’t even remember what she ate an hour before? The little spark of energy she has within, she uses it to take care of her children, making sure they are getting (hypothetically) all they need.
By sharing my broken past with you all today, I am once again putting myself on the line for judgement. I know there will be women who will find fault in what I have written, and suggest what I could have done instead…and believe me, it hurts even more when judgement comes from other women. But I want to put this out to show the hidden reality behind the WHY.
Think of it this way…a bird locked in a cage, always locked in, looking out, wishing it could fly away. But no, there’s no way out. One day the ‘owner’ forgets an open window. The bird tries to fly, only to realise that it has been for so long in that toxic suffocating environment that it can no longer fly. No ability, no stamina, no more hope.
This is what a woman experiences when she wants to leave but cannot. Not all women go through this, and thankfully there are many who manage to leave and start over…but in my case it wasn’t possible. Every situation is different. Every person is different. And every experience is different.
Please do not judge women who write their own experiences about domestic violence. Many times all they would be asking for is compassion and empathy: things that are so beautiful, so valuable and so vital, yet things that they haven’t experienced for a very long time.
If you are suffering from any kind of abuse, contact Appoġġ on 2295 9000 or Supportline 179 and ask to be connected with the Domestic Violence Unit (DVU). You may be assigned to a social worker who can guide you personally on the options available for you. Kindly note that 179 is free from all landlines and mobile phones, and social workers won’t contact you back unless you give them the permission to, depending on your case, so your request for help won’t jeopardise your safety in any way.
Women for Women Foundation – Malta has recently been set up with the aim to empower women like Mariposa to take control of their lives, to be independent and capable of supporting themselves and their children through guidance, support, education and training. You too can help these women by liking Women for Women Foundation – Malta’s Facebook Page and offering your support.
If you too have a story you would like to share with our readers send us an email on [email protected]
Mariposa’s Blog features real experiences and emotions written by a mother and her daughters. Together they cover various aspects in relation to the journey of life, such as emotions, fertility, domestic violence, student struggles, female issues, teen problems, health and childhood education material and much more.
Click here to check out Mariposa’s Blog bio as well as a list of all its Wham published articles
