Sometimes, without anything happening prior, I feel a sense of being unsafe lingering on. It happens at random; I could be having the most amazing day of my life yet something suddenly hits me in the stomach and I instantly start feeling overwhelmed with all sorts of emotions.
Sometimes it’s insecurity: not truly understanding why anyone would care about my existence or why it’s useful for me to even try to communicate, or to even attempt to get out of bed each morning.
Sometimes it’s the feeling of wanting my childhood back. It wasn’t perfect, and there are so many things I would love to remove from my memory. But the simple memory of my big sister and my mother, and the mere memory of having less responsibility, or less knowledge of the dark side of the world brings me comfort.
But most of the time it’s because of the thought of creepy men, paedophiles, and the attitude of most boys these days. I’ve never been sexually assaulted before. Nothing – no catcalling, no rape, no text messages from strangers (except one time where I was called ‘pretty’, but I just deleted it and did my best to move on), nothing. But I know people who have seen and felt this, people my age who have experienced these things from men and it makes me feel uneasy, scared, and unsafe.
I feel uncomfortable talking about things like these. I open up more often than I did before, these days, but I don’t find it easy to talk about such topics because I try to dismiss them. I never experienced things like these, so pretending I know nothing feels like the only way to escape fear.
But being honest I’m afraid to go outside or to go on social media. I deleted Instagram because I’m afraid that I might receive messages from strangers; I deleted TikTok because I fear the exact same thing. I also don’t use Facebook a lot because I’m afraid of the negative things there might be associated with it.
I have personally gone through a lot in my life, even though I’m just thirteen. I’ve done things I regret and things I wish to erase, but there’s nothing I can do about it. I couldn’t be more grateful that I haven’t experienced even worse things, but fear practically destroys the fun of anything. Even though I’m young and some people might find that these are just dramatic thoughts, I don’t experience much happiness these days. I mean, it’s not the first time you hear me laughing at 11:30 during night-time because I’m on Pinterest scrolling through memes. And it’s not the first time you hear little giggles at midnight because I’m watching a hilarious show. And I must admit I get a rush of happiness at random moments because life can be at times fascinating.
But most of the time it’s temporary. There are always thoughts haunting me. Thoughts that could be academical fears of going from the top to the bottom in grades, creepy men, the feeling of the unknown (because I have no idea what I want to be in the future), the feeling of two upcoming presentations, COVID-19 perhaps? It could literally be anything.
I am also what people would call a people pleaser. I personally cannot stand the idea that there are people out there who would despise me if they knew me. I don’t even know these people so why should I care??? I don’t know, but it does affect me, and I let it consume me inside out daily, non-stop. When people ask me something about likes and dislikes, opinions, anything really, I think of an answer which would seem okay whether or not they agree with me, as in, I answer in a way where it’s not really determined. This is until they say their own opinion and then I just shape mine to be like theirs.
You can ask my big sister – she witnesses this, but then again, she happens to be one of the very few people I turn to to express my thoughts; the other person being my mum.
So, what am I writing here? I don’t even know if I can classify it under a term, honestly. But I hope that maybe someone out there is reading this – someone who understands what I’m talking about. I don’t require pity. But perhaps having written this will help me open up, or maybe help me reflect further on myself.
It’s a scary world after all; but the best thing we can do is to stay healthy and try to love ourselves in the best way possible…it’s worth it in the end! <3
Do you have an experience you’d like to share with us at Wham, either in your name or anonymously? We’d love to hear from you! Contact us or send us an email at [email protected]
Ever wondered what goes on in a teen’s mind? Then this is the blog for you! Teen Diaries is a blog featuring the ramblings of a young female teen. Here she shares her opinions, thoughts and experiences as she journeys through her teen years.
