It’s Okay Not To Be OK

Being diagnosed with social anxiety was one of the weirdest and unexpected things I have ever experienced. This is why…

I have always been seen as a social butterfly. One who smiles at strangers. One who wins silly dance competitions during parties. One who communicates and compliments everyone who crosses her path.

Meanwhile, another side of me always feared judgement. So despite the positive social approach I exhibited at times, I was still one who sat at the back of the class so other students would not mock her behind her back. One who would prefer to be in bed at 10pm watching a series on her phone. One who hates the fact she is committed to something despite having fun. One who ‘diagnosed’ herself as abnormally lazy as she’d prefer not to open her mouth.

Yep, that was totally me.

Still, I could not understand how social anxiety had to be ONE of MY diagnosed types of anxieties.

I do not know anyone who has been diagnosed with social anxiety, so obviously, I feel alone and afraid. Afraid that my friends do not understand why I am not answering their messages – sometimes doing so drains my energy. And to top it up, I have not yet understood my own feelings surrounding this.

How can I speak up about something while not being able to fully recognise my feelings surrounding it?

At first, it was scary admitting that I have social anxiety, as such a diagnosis may increase the likelyhood of being labelled as peculiar…again, judgement. Keeping all this to myself led me to search for testimonies of individuals with social anxiety diagnosis.  Whilst on this quest for answers, my sister sent me the link to a specific song called Ok (Anxiety Anthem), and for once I felt understood and not alone.

With the very first few lines of this song I started accepting the actuality of my social anxiety diagnosis. “Wake up with a knot in my chest, tried everything just to get out of bed, it ain’t workin’…” clearly highlights most of my days. Knowing that I need to go out for one reason or another such as to attend University, or to buy groceries, or to attend an activity which I had been so excited for, for months, amplifies my anxiety a ton. And despite the fact that I would plan in detail what I would be wearing, the makeup I would be attempting, the timing, as well as the conversations I would be having, I would still not be eager to get out of bed – I would actually be scared of saying something which would unknowingly shed a bad light on myself, my friends or my family. Additionally, these same feelings reoccur the night after the event, where I would over-analyse my facial expressions, bodily movements and verbal cues from earlier on.

Nonetheless, my friends never actually notice all this. Why? Because as the singer said I cover it up with a smile on my face, but I’m hurtin’… Some may look at it as lying, while others may look at it as great acting. But from my eyes, putting on a mask is the only thing that gets me through the day when I’m surrounded by people. It makes me feel in control, and those who have anxiety might know that its symptoms are not things you can control easily. Moreover, a mask can lessen the chance of feeling like a burden to others, or the chance of feeling as if I ruined someone’s day. Once again, self-judgement plays a part in this as I’d rather hold my feelings inside and cry them out in the end of the day, than blowing up in front of those around me.

The thing with anxiety is that we all goin’ through it – or at least, at one point in our lives we have all experienced such feelings. So, personally, I do not understand why it is so hard for others to understand why you are panicking before an exam. Telling me that the exam is “just a paper” and that I “should not be afraid of a little paper” doesn’t help, definitely. As a matter of fact, it makes me feel like the class wierdo. Honestly, why is it so hard to look beyond the surface? Should I wear a headpiece with the words “anxious person ahead, beware”? Should I just wear it on my sleeve? If you know that I am diagnosed with anxiety, yet ‘currently’ I ‘look’ fine, it does not mean that I’m not hurting or being affected by it.

It’s also good to note that it is not a constant clear battle. This means that there are days in which the extent of anxiety I experience is bearable, especially stress-free days, where there are no lectures, no friend meetings etc. However, there are days where the world gets heavy and basic things such as washing hair, going for a driving lesson, or going for a walk, seem like chores. These days are usually accompanied with sleepless nights, feelings of helplessness and possibly physical pain. There are days where I can’t get out of bed, nor do I have the energy to do anything, and with life moving so fast, the result would always be isolation and a lot of crying. Which is ok – it is ok to cry. 

Feelings are only temporary. Yes, anxiety doesn’t go away easily, if it goes at all, but it can still get better. Seek help, take any medication if you get prescribed medication, and remember that it’s ok not to be ok. It’s ok to cry. By time, you will get used to what you are going through, and unknowingly you will start fighting this mental illness like a pro. Remember that you cannot always control the hormones and feelings triggered by anxiety. Thus, accept the emotions you’re experiencing. It is not the end of the world to feel like you can’t do anything – when this happens, take the day off for yourself. Watch a movie, order your favourite food, draw, sing, take a shower – do whatever makes you happy. And remember, you are not alone in this <3

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