People say that life is a wonderful journey, full of lessons, love and friendship. Childhood is supposed to be filled with rainbows, green yards, play, and friends screaming and running after each other. The teenage years are said to be friendship based; you make friends, go out, maybe find the one, do the most important exams you’ll ever face in your life – and pass them. Then comes adulthood, when life seems to start settling down, you find a job, maybe get into a stable relationship, marriage, children, whatever may come – you’re happy.
I feel like a liar saying all this. This is not my life. It never was, and by the way it’s looking, I do not know how positive it’s going to be as I grow older.
My childhood was not filled with rainbows and green yards, and friends. Instead, I used to play with cans of herbs on my grandmother’s table after school. Then my father would pick me up at around 7pm so we go pick up my mother from work. It was never a nice greeting. I watched them fight and scream at each other almost daily. I rarely went to birthday parties – was invited to 3 in all. And when I went, I was given the responsibility to take care of someone my own age – and although I am proud of it – I still did not know how to tie my shoes, how could I know how to take care of someone? I remember I was bullied for it – is he your boyfriend? Kiss kiss! – disgusting. I was bullied for just sitting in the van. I was called ugly. I was beaten with my own shoe. I was scared to speak up. I was scared my father would beat my mother. On one of my birthdays, I had the joy of digesting the possibility that my sister might have cancer because my dad would not shut his mouth up and keep his nonsense to himself – please note the sarcasm with the note joy – on my birthday I was supposed to be happy, not be afraid to lose my then 8 year old sister to cancer! My education was definitely a joke – my marks looked like a slide, they kept spiraling down. When I trusted my friends, they took advantage of me and betrayed my trust. Well, clearly my childhood was just a flop.
Then came the miraculous teenage years in which I was looking to find someone – I never did. It’s funny how the people who came to me were either a childish soul in a male body, an old soul in a male body, a disgusting pervert, a drug addict, and most of all, a wanna-be saint. As you might have probably guessed, my love life can easily be turned into a comedy film one day! My education led to the wonderful emotion called stress, which later on developed into high-functioning anxiety. My friends lied about me, saying that I had a relationship with a teacher, then threatened me, saying their brother is coming to find me, kicked me out of every group, chose others over me based on appearance, and joked about their feelings to me. Those years were a roller-coaster. I look back and say that I could have done so much to prevent these things from happening, yet I know I would not have the guts to. BUT, it is good to note that my childhood dream came true – I WENT TO DISNEYLAND – Disneyland at Mater Dei Hospital for a week that is. It was the best holiday I have had in my life if I am being honest – my mum was with me, and being connected to a heart monitor did not stop us from having a blast. I actually felt sad going home.
Now, as I am writing this article, I am in my early adult years, and let me tell you – I do not think I am doing any better – I have become too numb. My brain gets in the way – it fogs up all the time and common questions like ‘what should you do when someone is crossing the road’ confuse me. My self-esteem just keeps going down the slide, and friends – well, I guess I succeeded in one area. I have great friends. And yes, I am a University student – and I do feel lucky for getting to this point! But somehow my life still does not feel like a success story.
Please, understand that I am not writing my story to get pity. I am just sharing my experience with you all because I know for sure that I am not alone in this. I do feel alone, and this is because not many like sharing such personal experiences and feelings with others – why? By doing so you become vulnerable. I would be lying if I say I did not shed tears writing this. I would be lying if I do not mention the recurrent thoughts in my head saying ‘you are such a drama queen’, ‘you will always be a failure’ and ‘you are a nothing’. These are often accompanied with ‘you are just a waste – no one would miss you if you are gone’ (I would like to clarify that my psychiatrist does not feel that I have anything besides anxiety – and that most of what I say is ‘not easy to understand’ and ‘does not make any sense’).
I cannot say that life will get better for me; I had hoped life gets better when I was younger, and yet here I am writing this article stating that progress is not yet being identified. If I am to be completely honest, I wish I was born under a different star, under one which would not have given me so many responsibilities at such a young age, one which would have allowed me to live carefree and strong. I used to believe I am lucky. Yet, I think the only lucky thing I have come to know is Britney Spears’s song Lucky – which ironically makes sense when compared to my life. There are things I didn’t mention to keep my identity a secret. I can assure you that with regards to physical, emotional and mental well-being, none seem to be in order at this time.
Sometimes it is very hard to be strong. All you want to do is grab a pillow and scream into it, or assume fetal position and cry, or go for a run into a yard and scream my heart out. And if I am to be completely honest, I do not know what advice I can give you if you, reading this, are experiencing similar emotions! But I can tell you this – if you are here reading this article, it means you are alive. You did not give up, and thus, you did not fail life and life did not fail you! Now you know that you are not alone when feeling this entropy of emotions. You may feel like you have failed – yet life might be aiming to show you otherwise.
Let’s be honest, the only thing we failed at is believing in ourselves – in other words, we succeeded at letting ourselves down.
I hope that this article brings out the point that although someone might look happy, they might be experiencing a turmoil which could potentially end their life. Can you promise me that you will be more considerate towards all those among you? You might be saving a life without even knowing if you do so.
Do you have an experience you’d like to share with us at Wham, either in your name or anonymously? We’d love to hear from you! Contact us or send us an email at [email protected]
