When I turned nine my whole life suddenly fell apart. This is what helped me in surviving sexual abuse after experiencing such trauma…
I was a happy go lucky child. I had two brothers and five sisters and there was never a dull moment. We enjoyed playing , doing crafts, baking, doing housework, and helping each other. We did everything as a team and we enjoyed it. For my mother we were more than a handful, having seven children to care for was hard work. My father took care of our education and was always there to help us with homework and see that we get good grades. Every weekend we would go out for picnics or watch a movie, it was fun, one big happy family.
When I turned nine my whole life suddenly fell apart. I was being sexually abused by a very close family friend. He used to be around quite often. All of a sudden my happy smiles were gone – fear and sadness took their place.
My innocence was stolen – guilt and shame filled that space. Suddenly I was all alone, afraid, feeling dirty, confused. The trauma was too big for me to handle, but I was forced to keep it a secret and so I did.
I no longer had fun with my brothers and sisters, I preferred to stay alone. I was tainted and was afraid that they would get to know my secret so I did my utmost to act normal.
I felt I was no longer worthy of love, I was too bad. I felt so guilty. I hated my reflection in the mirror.
At school I was not doing so well either, thoughts would haunt me all day long. Life went on and I carried it all with me into adulthood.
Looking back now, after a lot of therapy sessions I have finally forgiven myself, accepted the fact that the guilt was not mine and I am worthy of love. I finally found peace and put all this behind me. Therapy made me realise that I had no fault at all.
The abuse did not just happen one fine day. I had been so well prepared and groomed by the perpetrator for two years . Probably he chose me because I was the youngest girl.
He would always bring me a special treat while the rest had only biscuits. He would hug me tight and tell me I am special. He would sit me on his lap and read me stories. He always told me I was a very special princess. He would take me for car rides. He would buy me dolls and all I wished for. When I was sick he used to stay by my bedside and cheer me up.
Yes the family was around but everyone accepted all this, nothing out of the ordinary, after all I was the youngest. It was normal for the little one to be spoiled. I loved him and trusted him completely, to me he was family. I loved the extra attention I was getting and of course I loved the gifts too. When it all happened I was confused and embarrassed. I could not speak out, if I spoke, no one would believe me. Besides he was a big man, I was just a little girl – I feared him so I just kept it all to myself. I can’t even put the blame on my parents, because he played his part so well. All the grooming went unnoticed.
I just shared my story to create awareness. One in every five girls and one in every ten boys will be sexually abused in their lifetime. I’m not telling this to scare you but to explain why it’s so important to know the warning signs. Sex abuse often happens because most adults don’t know what to look for and don’t want to believe it. Most of the time it is a family member or someone the parents trust.
Be on the lookout for changes in your child:
- Changes in hygiene, such as refusing to take a bath (in younger children).
- Older children may shower more (to cleanse themselves of what they perceive as shame and embarrassment).
- Be aware of any adult who seems very interested in spending time alone with your child.
- Suddenly receiving gifts or money from an adult.
- Academic changes (falling grades, repeated absences).
- More sexual knowledge beyond normal level of development.
- Sudden or unexplained personality changes, including aggression, fear and depression.
- Eating disorders, such as bulimia, anorexia or overeating.
- Sleep problems.
- Listen carefully to your child if she/he suddenly doesn’t want to go with someone or somewhere anymore.
Some adult survivors suffer long-term effects of child sexual abuse and experience low self-esteem, impulsivity, trust issues, anger, dissociation, negative feeling, difficulty coping with stress, anxiety and depression. If you were a victim do seek help in surviving sexual abuse, therapy will help you to heal and reclaim your body. It is never too late to reach out for help, you deserve it.
If you too have a story you would like to share with our readers, or you have tips on surviving sexual abuse, contact us or send us an email at [email protected]
The Women for Women Foundation helps women like Antoinette in their own healing journey so they can survive and thrive. Click here to learn more about the foundation.
Antoinette is a survivor of child sexual abuse and domestic abuse. Alone she managed to raise four children and is keen to share her experiences about the struggles of having been a single mother.
She often talks about her difficult life openly in the hope of creating awareness of the unseen issues encountered by mothers doing everything alone on a tight budget, about domestic violence and other social issues.
