We tend to underestimate the importance of self love. But self love can be a lifesaver. It can help us unchain ourselves from past traumas…
I used to sit and wonder, what is wrong with me? Seriously something is wrong with me. How can I not hate you for what you put me through? Why am I not angry at you? Why have I forgiven you so easily after all you put me through?
All I could feel was pain when memories came up so vividly. Hate in your eyes and your fist is what I remember so clearly. Punching me in the face , black eyes, bleeding nose, broken teeth. Punching me in the back of my head so many times while saying you won’t stop until I get cancer, leaving me unconscious on the floor and walking away.
How did you expect me to have sex with you after going through this? So you hit me, pinned me down,tied me up, burnt me with your cigarette and held your gun to my head and raped me so many times. Porn was the only thing you liked watching and then forcing me into everything you watched. Remember the day I told you I’d rather have sex with a dog than with you? I thank my lucky stars you didn’t kill me that day, I can still taste the blood.
You used to come from work during your break just to torture me and rape me, I felt like your prostitute. You got me pregnant and still beat me hard while I did all I could to protect the unborn child.
You called me every name under the sky and invented quite a few yourself too, to the point where I did not even consider myself a human being. You literally kicked me out of bed onto the floor each time the baby cries at night and won’t stop hitting me until I make him stop crying. For the times I was sick in bed and you pulled me by the hair and forced me to make you dinner and wash the floors.
Your safety shoes hurt so bad. How many times you told me you enjoyed watching me being tortured.You played darts so well, had so many shining trophies to prove it. I can still hear the sound of the darts hitting the board, hours of practice while telling me that all you see is my face on the dartboard.
How many times you were unfaithful and I was forced to listen to every detail and made me feel I was so abnormal. You used to take the phone with you so I won’t be able to call anyone. I was forced to stay at home, and could not show the world my bruised face.
I remember the day our little boy was playing and you just grabbed him by the legs and held him head down and beat him just for your own gratification and to torture me even more. He was terrified and cried his heart out.
That was it…..I finally decided to run away from you. Did I go to the police? No.
Reliving all this in my mind I still don’t hate you, still I don’t feel angry at you. The only anger I carried was at myself, for letting you break me, for being so weak, for not running away from you the first time you hit me.
Finally I set myself free from all this anger bottled inside me. You are not worth even thinking about and if these memories surface they won’t hurt anymore, they are in my past now, long gone. It doesn’t matter anymore if I hate you or not. All I care about is loving myself, exploring myself and getting to know my real beautiful self.
Yes I am worthy to be loved and there’s no better way to be loved than by myself. Now I can smile at my reflection and say ‘I love you’, I never ever thought I could do this but now I can. Loving myself has given me freedom, peace, happiness – opened new horizons. Life is so beautiful when you set yourself free. I am strong and unbreakable.
I’m proud of myself for finding the courage to run away from you and cutting all ties. I’m proud of having realised the importance of self love. I am so proud of myself for bringing up our little boy alone, away from your toxicity. I’m so proud of him for turning into a real gentleman, husband and father. I could not be happier, you crushed me but you only succeeded in creating a diamond.
If you too have experienced the importance of self love and have a story you would like to share with our readers please contact us or send us an email on [email protected]
The Women for Women Foundation helps women like the above find their voice again and start living again. Click here to find out more about the foundation.
