Whenever a high profile murder of a woman occurs, there is always a resurgence of the discussion of high rates of femicide that occur globally. The immediate reaction from many is, with good reason, anger, pain and frustrating fatigue, particularly from women who have come close to being in these scenarios, or nearly escaped their own death through sheer luck, at the hands of a male attacker. At the same time, there is always a distinct halting in the discussion surrounding femicide, particularly when a story gains some traction, and that is the response of ‘Not All Men’.
This phrase, most commonly written out as the hashtag ‘#NotAllMen’, was used sporadically as early as 2011, but it truly started to gain momentum after the 2014 Isla Vista California murders by Elliot Rodger, who was known to have a particular hatred towards women. His reason for committing these violent attacks were laid out clearly by himself, in video footage taken before the murders, in that he wished to punish women for not being attracted to him – as well as punish sexually active men purely due to wishing to be more like them. He was an incel, or self-proclaimed ‘involuntary celibate’, and blamed his lack of experience with intimacy on women in general. As a result of these murders, a huge discussion on femicide and the reality of gender based attacks ensued, only to be met by the phrase #NotAllMen, starting to trend.
The idea behind this phrase is to highlight the fact that, despite gender-based attacks and murders being a very real plight in the world, not all men are dangerous when it comes down to it, and not all of them will attack and murder women. Despite the fact that this seems, on the outset, a fairly obvious statement, in that it is true that no single thing applies to every single person on earth, this phrase seems to appear most avidly only when counteracting the discussion on femicide and the frustration and fear that women feel in their daily lives when met with the very real prospect of being seriously harmed by men.
Various statistics tend to creep up within the sphere of this phrase in order to silence victims of gender-based crimes, and those speaking up for victims of gendercide. One primary number is that men account for 80% of victims of homicide worldwide – however, although women account for the lesser demographic in terms of homicide victims, a domestic partner is responsible for 40% of murders involving women, whilst a domestic partner is responsible for 2% of the same crimes towards men. Both significant numbers, but more than one issue may exist in the world at any given time. Discussing one issue, like femicide, does not automatically discredit all other issues in existence. It helps nobody to disallow the discussion of a global issue in order to remind the world that other problems exist – it simply creates vapid white noise.
The issues with how this phrase is used can be found aplenty, and it begins with just how often it is used to discredit the very tangible experiences of women and non-binary people, and even queer men. As opposed to uplifting and highlighting conversations on gender, sexuality and race-based attacks, this phrase moves to water them down, to paint shades of grey over that which others experience, and the moments in which they fear for their lives. It ensures that victims of these crimes move away from the centre stage. It aims to convince victims that the moment is not about them, and should be once again taken over by another group of people, even though they have nothing to do with the situation. The phrase ‘NotAllMen’ aims to insert those who have nothing to do with a conversation right at the centre of it, an ego-induced attempt at once again making a moment about straight cis-men. There are many moments where we can discuss the struggles of straight cis-men, but perhaps the height of a discussion on femicide and gender based violence simply isn’t that moment.
Someone choosing to brandish a phrase like ‘Not All Men’ whenever they notice a conversation about violence towards women occurring simply highlights the fact that said person missed the entire point. Although some may have everyone believe it, a person talking about the disproportionate levels at which women fall victim to violence at the hands of men, does not make them born to be the world’s greatest man-hater. It is easy to snuff out nuanced conversations of real global problems with a simple ‘Not All Men’ – but what does that gain, for anyone?
Yes, men have problems too.
Yes, men are different.
Yes, human beings are all different.
Yes, well done, you think you have never hurt anyone.
Now what?
Allow us to entertain the idea of skipping the fluff of the obvious, and consider what comes next. What are people who say this phrase actually doing aside from placing an obstacle in the way of conversations pertaining to issues that may cause them to reflect? What are these people doing to help men, and women, and non-binary people, and everyone on earth? What actions are being taken to stop violence of all kinds, towards others? When it comes down to it, continuously highjacking movements by reminding people that men are not all the same only makes men look all the worse. It underestimates the ability of men to be able to join conversations, build constructive solutions and be fierce allies – and ultimately generalises about a whole gender far more than any conversation surrounding an aggressor could.
#NotAllMen – a viral hashtag fully born of a need to prove, as a rebuttal to conversations on violence, in a lacklustre way, that a person is not like an aggressor – managing to seep its way into language everywhere that values the same sentiment sentiment, even indirectly. Years later it now lives in many people’s deep well of internalised misogyny, used by women themselves to bring conversations of gender-based violence to a sudden halt, and defend a gender that does not need defending. The best defence, after all, is through one’s actions.
We must move beyond this. This phrase, and the sentiments that branch out of it, do nothing to help anyone, least of all men themselves. Good people do not need to constantly remind others that they are good, after all.
#għajjejtuxbajt
Do you have an experience you’d like to share with us at wham, either in your name or anonymously? Contact us or send us an email at [email protected]
Għajjejt u Xbajt is a feminist platform by and for feminists, and those with questions for them. It is a non-judgemental space for all who strive for the same aim: equality and progress. They don’t claim to have all the answers, but are very dedicated to posing the questions. #għajjejtuxbajt
