World Suicide Prevention Day – thoughts of formerly suicidal young woman

The 10^th of September is known as World Suicide Prevention Day – some may also look at the month of September as a month of awareness for such a matter. This day or month, depending on what way you’d like to see it, not only increases awareness, but also helps in diminishing the detrimental idea that talking to each other about mental health issues as well as suicide, is some sort of taboo. When speaking about such an important and life-threatening issue we helps in reducing the stigma and feelings of shame and at the same time reducing the risk. Communication is a very important factor in the healing process of those individuals considering suicide, thus talking openly about these matters can help us build connections and support systems as well as prevent suicide attempts.

Before reading this article, I would like to make the disclaimer that the subject I will be talking about can be an emotional and heavy topic for some, and if you feel that it is not the ideal time for you to read it, it’s okay to let it go. But, if you are ready for more, including my personal experience on the subject, please read on.

As much as it hurts saying, the world is not a pretty place. Individuals who are or have been suicidal had to face feelings of embarrassment after being called attention seekers; loneliness, after everyone avoided and left them; feelings of emotional pain combined with rage as their friends become irritated, telling them that they do not believe them. It is true, we all go through hard phases in life, but not all of us are able to fight every battle, and some look at suicide as the only escape, especially after years and years of suffering.

I too have had these heavy thoughts in the past. You see, a few years ago my life started spiralling downhill; I started feeling trapped in my own mind. I knew that ultimately I would not do anything to harm myself, but it was still a wish – this caused a lot of confusion in me, and once I could not take these feelings anymore, I decided to talk to a friend. That was when I ended up being told that I was lying, and that I was doing it for attention – I had never felt so helpless and hurt in my entire life. She told me that because of me, she was feeling sick and that “you should not have said that”. She made me feel guilty and more alone than I had ever felt before. I remember going on different websites, reading testimonials from other individuals who were suicidal as to not feel alone. I visited the site kellimni.com but didn’t manage to speak up. I wanted to talk to my mum, but I did not want to worry her – I felt ashamed for having those thoughts after everything she had done for me. But then I realised that she always has my back, and I started opening up slowly. I would be lying if I say that these thoughts do not occur to me every now and then, especially when I feel like I’m a burden, or when I feel like the world would be better off without me.

Unfortunately this shows how individuals who are suicidal, or who have suicidal thoughts are not taken seriously and are often dismissed and stigmatised. This obviously never leads to a good result, in fact, it increases feelings of hopelessness, loneliness and despair, which may eventually lead to the unthinkable. It’s ‘funny’ though *note the sarcasm*, that when one actually follows through with such thoughts, their death is considered as a tragedy and everyone wishes that they could have seen the signs or that the person would not have followed through. Everyone is present when it’s too late. Everyone feels bad. And I understand that the signs might not always be clear, but please, if someone opens up to you about their darkest demons, make time for them, check on them, and take them seriously. Show them that you are there for them and that you will support them. Sometimes you do not even need to talk, just be present.

Having said that, one might not always feel safe to open up, however, that does not mean that you would not know if someone is dealing with something too big for them to fight alone. Thus, I compiled a list of some warning signs that someone might be dealing with suicidal thoughts.

• Talking about existential things, for example saying things like “what is the point of life?” or saying that their life is pointless
• Talking as if those around them would be better off without them, or saying that they are a ‘waste’ or a ‘burden’
• A change in behaviour, for instance, being socially withdrawn all of a sudden, appearing on constant ‘survival mode’ (for example, being hypersensitive to ‘little’ things), “pushing themselves” in a self-destructive way (for instance, going to parties to drink and ‘experience a night like others do’ or going for an increased use of alcohol or drugs). They might also start behaving recklessly
• Experience hypersomnia (sleep too much) or insomnia (sleep too little)
• Talking about wanting to die, ways to die or to kill themselves
• Talking about how much they want to stop suffering
• Displaying extreme mood swings
• Expressing concerning amounts of self-hatred
• Expressing extreme loneliness and isolation
• Talk about feeling trapped, suffocated or smothered maybe by the large amount of responsibilities or suffering they’re experiencing
• Mentioning that they do not know how much longer they can go on
• Expressing an alarming amount of grief or suffering whilst going through a difficult life transition
• Experiencing a lot of distress reliving trauma
• Mentioning that they do not see a way out of a difficult experience they are having
• Talking hopelessly about the future and/or not being able to envision a future they want to live in
• Practicing self-harm
• Feeling as if no one cares about what happens to them
• Visit or call other individuals to say goodbye as well as give some of their personal things away (through donations or gift giving)

If you witness some of these signs in an individual, even though it might be a false alarm, it is ideal to check up on the person. Try to look into the person’s surrounding environment and see if you can spot any factors which might be pushing the individual to self-destruction. Here are some suicide risk factors that you might like to know about:

• Health issues – mental health and physical health
• Bullying
• Relationship problems
• Poor social support
• Alcohol/ substance abuse
• Death of a loved one
• Physical and mental abuse
• Financial worries

As mentioned earlier, your presence alone can be of benefit for the other person, but if you feel comfortable sending a message, it is equally as helpful. In fact, I remember a particular period in life where I had a friend who starting expressing some of these signs, and I decided to do some research on what I can text her to make her feel loved and appreciated. So, here I am giving you some examples of what you can send to a friend who is experiencing suicidal thoughts:

• I can’t imagine what you must be experiencing right now, but I just want to let you know that I am here for you
• Hey, you don’t necessarily have to reply to this. I know how hard it is for you to stay in contact while something is eating you up inside. Just want to let you know that I love you and I am grateful for you
• I love it when you smile
• Hey, just a reminder that you mean a lot to me
• Hi, I am here with you. Not every day is going to be cupcakes and rainbows, but if in any way I can be of any help, please text me. A ‘hi’ is enough
• Hi, if you ever need anyone to talk to, please call or text me. I’m happy to come over.

As you can see, these sample texts can show the individual in question, how acknowledged s/he is, and I can assure you, one message, one word, can change one’s mood. Please, do not feel offended in any way if the person does not answer. Having such taunting thoughts in mind can take away one’s energy, and answering can be the last thing on their mind (I am speaking from experience here, however everyone is and deals with things differently). But I can assure you, such a message IS of great importance for suicidal individuals.

For those who are not suicidal, I would also like to point out that saying things like “I’m so stressed, I am going to kill myself lol” are never perceived well by someone truly struggling with suicidal thoughts or ideation – in fact, it can only make someone feel like they are being watched or laughed at for thinking about their escape. I understand that such a phrase is quite normal to say, and I must admit, even I have said it in the past before experiencing what it truly means. But many doing it does not mean it’s right. It can only increase anxiety and an excessive amount of self-awareness, which might lead to self-isolation. Additionally, accepting depression as a real illness rather than dismissing it as just sadness, especially in young adults/teenagers, can also help in creating more awareness, and thus, prevention.

Having said that, if you are feeling profoundly alone, helpless and trapped in your situation, worthless, and have a disturbing amount of negative intrusive thoughts telling you horrible things about yourself, feel like a burden and that your loved ones would be better off without you and you feel unsafe in this world, amongst other negative feelings, I am here to tell you that your feelings ARE valid.

If these feelings are causing you anxiety, I recommend you practice some self-soothing techniques, such as repeating a positive affirmation (even if you feel like you are lying to yourself – do it!); tell yourself that you are not those awful things that your mind is telling you. Watch your favourite TV show, journal your feelings, draw and practice mindfulness. If these thoughts are telling you to ‘end it all’, recognise that it’s not your life you want to end, but this part of your life, this moment, this horrible experience you are facing. And if you can, try your best to prioritise your safety by removing any dangerous objects and find your own safe ‘sanctuary’ (this might be your own bed). You can also call a crisis line, especially if you are attempting or thinking about attempting suicide – they can help you get ‘unstuck’ from these thoughts. You can reach out to a loved one, someone you trust and know that will help you and not judge you. I promise, although a hug might not end all thoughts, it definitely helps you feel more comforted and less alone. If if you do not have a loved one you can trust, it can be good if you close your eyes (if you want) and visualise someone who inspires you, empowering you and uplifting you – I know, although you might feel stupid as it is not physically real, the emotions it creates, are. I also hope you know that you do not need to solve everything all at once, in fact if you try to do so, it will only discourage you. Try to take it one step at a time and remember to breathe.

Lastly, I want to remind you that no matter how big a problem is, there is always a solution, and if you cannot see it, ask for help. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness; people cannot ‘rescue you’ if they do not know that you need rescuing. Time heals and nothing is worth taking your life – your life matters and those around you love you, even though they might not know how to show it! The pain that you might be feeling does not end by suicide, instead it causes a ripple effect on the people you leave behind. The thoughts you have do not define you as a person. You are worthy of love. In those moments where you feel like all hope is lost, just keep going. There is always light at the end of the tunnel – sometimes you just have to squint to see it. You do not know what there is in store for you unless you stick around to see it – hang in there. There will come a time when you will be happy again, and when you look back to how you felt, you will genuinely be able to say that you made it, with a smile on your face.

This was hard for me to write, and even more-so knowing and pushing myself to publish it in my own name. However, I want to try and make a difference, even if I am just helping one person – I know that that one person deserves to live a happy and healthy life, and I am happy to be of some help.

As mentioned, this article was written based on my own experience, and I am not a mental health professional. If you would like to talk to a friend who is understanding of your situation, I am willing to listen – send an email on [email protected] and it will be forwarded to me. Additionally, seek professional support. You can contact Richmond Foundation on 1770, Kellimni.com and Victim Support Malta.

I hope you realise how special you truly are…hang in there buddy – you got this 🌸

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Do you have an experience you’d like to share with us at wham, either in your name or anonymously? Contact us or send us an email at [email protected]