“I was showing signs of severe pre eclampsia in pregnancy. Basically my body was rejecting my baby whilst my baby was fighting for survival…“
At the age of 30 I decided that I want to have a child, and luckily for me, I got pregnant within 3 months of trying. I have always been the type of person that will work hard for what she wants, and I always tried my utmost in everything I do, but my first pregnancy has shown me how vulnerable and petrified I can get.
I researched everything, and I ate accordingly. Didn’t touch sushi, didn’t eat any processed meats and didn’t even touch any caffeine. Despite all my efforts, at my 28th week gynae visit, my gynaecologist said I need to go to spend a weekend in hospital as my blood pressure was a bit worrying.
At that point, I couldn’t think straight. I remember my husband driving me to buy the cot and I didn’t want to, as I was sure that something was wrong, and that the cot would be unused.
I went to hospital, I was punctured, monitored and several doctors started talking above my head. At one point, when I mentioned to the doctor that I would like to rest a bit, he just told me to be careful in case I get an epileptic fit.
That’s it, that’s all he said and left the room. As you can imagine, I could not shut an eye at that point, and being the researcher that I am, I googled everything. That’s when I saw the most dreadful word that I would be cursed in hearing quite a few times; pre eclampsia in pregnancy.
My kind-hearted gynaecologist confirmed this the next day. I was showing a severe case of pre eclampsia in pregnancy.
Explained in simple terms, due to pre eclampsia in pregnancy my body was rejecting my baby whilst my baby was fighting for his survival – practically killing each other.
At that point, I was told that my baby will not be born at the 40-week mark. A doctor at one point jokingly said that it’s not the end of the world, as it’s easier on the stretch marks to have a small baby, and that I should be happy as my hips won’t get too big – because that’s all we women care about apparently. What they didn’t realise was that I had never experienced this amount of fear in my life.
I was in hospital for 6 weeks, where every two days we were told whether the baby will be delivered, or we would ‘win’ another 2 days. This was the worst ever waiting period. I could feel that I was losing hope and I was losing faith in everything. I was lucky to have an amazing husband by my side and a gynaecologist who spared me from comments like the ones above and was just supportive but telling me facts.
I remember every day waking up, showering and putting on my makeup, and switching on my laptop to work, just to feel a tinge of normality. I remember being in a room with pregnant women complaining about how big they had become. I remember listening to women explaining how tough it is that they reached 40 weeks and they still haven’t given birth. I remember how jealous I was of anyone saying a number bigger than 37, how I just wanted to fast forward time and know that my baby would be alive. I remember hearing a mother screaming at night as she had just lost her baby, thinking that will be me in a few weeks.
Then came Saturday where my gynaecologist came with a worried look explaining that on Monday, we will have to do a c-section. I was going to give birth to a 34-week baby. He held my hand and explained how he will try his best, and although I was scared, I was also somewhat relieved. The one thing that people might not tell you about pre eclampsia in pregnancy is that my body was also suffering.
The night leading to Monday, the nurses checked my blood pressure, and this was going through the roof. They made me pee in so many containers to check my kidneys’ functionality and I could tell something was wrong. The worst part, everyone was talking about me, but no one was talking to me. I went up to the nurses and explained that I want my husband to be with me, to which they agreed as the baby might be coming earlier. Through some treatment and monitoring, we managed to do the c-section as planned with my gynaecologist.
This was the part no one could prepare me for. C-section went well, and as soon as the baby was delivered, they ran with him outside of the room.
I remember crying and telling my husband, “is he dead?!” Then a midwife came in to tell us that he was well, but he will be at the NPICU. I just gave birth to a baby that I have prepared myself all these weeks that I will lose, and I couldn’t see him.
I was placed in a room with another mother who just gave birth and had her baby with her. I couldn’t move, my body was too tired. Then the first night came. I just gave birth, but my baby is not there, but I’m being awaken by another baby’s crying. At one point, being half asleep, I reach out to the invisible cot next to my bed, just to remember that my baby is not here. I left mine alone in another ward, I am a childless mother.
Despite the pain, despite the stitches, despite all, the next day I walked to the NPICU to meet my baby boy. Nothing could have ever prepared me for this. I see this little 1.5kg baby all wrapped up in wires, so fragile and so small, all alone waiting to be loved. I remember holding him for the first time and that’s when I felt serenity for the first time in months.
Sadly, what followed was guilt. I didn’t want to leave him on his own and I felt so bad for not being there before. I hated to see him in all those wires and every beep from every machine felt like it was going to be an alarm telling me that the baby has lost its fight. I wanted to give him the world, but I couldn’t even find clothes that fit him or nappies that were good for him.
I was still left in hospital for a few days for monitoring, and at least I was given a room on my own. People did come and see me, and ask how I’m feeling, but what could I say, except that I’m ok?
Midwives knocking the door, saying that they came to check the baby, and I’m there full of tears having to explain that my baby is not with me.
At one point, a close friend who had been through much worse with her child, held my hand, and told me that I should not be ok, I should not be happy and that I should feel this way, but things could have turned out worse. That was the best thing anyone had ever told me.
I realised that although it was obvious, it could have been worse and that I deserve to feel this way. It was ok to be angry at people for complaining that their baby was too big, that their pregnancy made their feet swell up, that they wished their kid was at the NPICU so they could sleep a full night at home. It was ok to be pissed off at the world. It was also ok to remember that I had my baby boy and that he was healthy, just had to go through one last hurdle to be at home with us. It was ok to remember how amazing my gynaecologist and my family was during this period where I was a total wreck. Most of all, it was ok to be a total wreck, and it was ok to ask for help.
He’s now 3 years old and he’s our little genius, obsessed with letters and numbers. And last year we had another baby boy that with the guidance and follow up from my gynae was born full term.
About the Author
Maris Catania currently occupies the role of Head of Responsible Gaming and Research at Kindred. She started as a Risk and Fraud Analyst with Kindred and after receiving her Psychology MSc from the University of Leicester, took on the role of Responsible Gaming Manager. She has a Diploma in Gambling Addiction Counselling and Psychology, and is now reading for her PhD under the supervision of Prof. Mark Griffiths, focusing primarily on the analysis of the early signs of online problem gambling, responsible gaming tools and responsible gaming promotion.
Whilst recapitulating research for her role, she has started an innovative detection tool with Kindred, known as PS-EDS (Player Safety – Early Detection System). This has shown an impressive advantage in the company both from a commercial perspective and also internally addressing Corporate Social Responsibility. This same PS-EDS has won the EGr Innovation of the Year award in 2014. The current RG approach within Kindred has also won several industry awards including in 2017 GIA Socially Responsible Operator of the Year, Global Regulatory Awards and Women in Gaming awards in 2017.
Maris has also been awarded the Gambling Compliance Most Significant Contribution to Responsible Gambling Research for three consecutive years.
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