No one is perfect, neither is a family, regardless of how ‘picture-perfect’ it seems. Conflicts and disagreements are part of any relationship: they can improve who we are and the relationships we are in. However, when taken to the extreme, these can have horrible effects on the people primarily involved, as well as those watching…usually children. This is exactly what happens in domestic abuse situations.
From an outsider’s point of view, my family is perfect: my father works very hard in order to provide food on the table, my mother provides everything else for us, and my siblings and I get along quite nicely. While all these are true, behind closed doors it is a totally different story. You see, my father has the tendency to create conflicts, A LOT, and is often very grumpy. Sometimes I think it may be because he is the only male in the family, but I believe that that should not be the reason as to why he goes defensive and acts like a victim every time me and my mum open our mouths to speak.
I can still clearly remember conflicts that happened around 10 years ago, due to the terrible fear I would experience every time. I was afraid that he would do something to my mother. And while this is ‘completely normal’, as my friends used to tell me, I know that each case is different, and the fact that even at a young age I was scared that he would do something to my mother, says a lot. Obviously, this, together with the fact that he has accused mum of multiple things which are totally untrue, caused a ton of resentment and fear in me, as I have closed myself in a bubble and to this day I avoid talking to him so as to not cause a confrontation between me and him or him and my mum. Eventually I started applying this same fear whilst building relationships with my peers. I also became a ‘people’s pleaser’ because I feared (and still do) that thinking out loud may lead to arguments.
While this may not seem grievous to some, him grabbing certain ‘parts’ of my mother’s body is quite cruel and disgusting to see, especially after having told him about how bad it looks from a child’s point of view. Touching mum in front of us was like a daily task for him, and for the most part, I used to look away every time he was approaching her – somehow I knew when he was going to do it. Hearing my mum say ‘stop it’ and him continuing to do it nonetheless was painful to see. Additionally, we told him a couple of times that by doing so, he was, in a way, telling us that consent never matters, and that the female body is a man’s ‘property’. The worse part of it all is that he never understood the concept, and when we tell him off, he usually gets angry and says that he is always being accused of being in the wrong. This made me feel that he does not care about how we, his daughters, feel, as long as he is getting whatever her wants and feels entitled to. Fortunately, he never touched me, not even for a hug, however seeing him do that to my mum has scarred me. In fact, I try my best to steer clear of any type of physical touch as much as I can. And when someone touches me, even by mistake, I tend to flinch. This has also made me fear dating and relationships, as if someone touches me, I will most probably try to find the closest escape.
Finances have been, for the most part, a part of my father’s role, and this did not do any good. You see, my mother had tried applying for jobs, yet my father would not allow her, as by working, she would have independence. This meant that for many many years, my father was in charge of all the money that came in. He did give her a small amount each month, he still does, however that amount is not enough to provide 5 family members’ needs. And whenever she was short on money, he would interrogate her by asking every type of question there is related to money and how she was spending it. Seeing her wearing old donated clothes to this day and not being able to pay for new ones is horrible. It breaks my heart. This was a clear incentive for me to study and work hard to eventually get a good job in order to be financially independent. Luckily, my mother has been provided with a work opportunity by an incredibly amazing woman and she has been working and earning money for herself – it makes me really happy to see her being able to buy small things for herself nowadays.
These are just a few examples of what I have been experiencing throughout my life, and I believe that this is not ‘completely normal’ and that mine is a dysfunctional family. Both partners should have equal control in a relationship and both should help out in the house. Unlike what my father does – after work (if he has work on that day) he stays in his bedroom on his phone, and if asked to do something, he usually replies with “DON’T I DO ENOUGH…I’M TIRED”. In fact, we rarely see him during the day – he rarely speaks to me (even if he is next to me). I keep wondering…does he think of my mother as some sort of a nanny? a personal cook? a maid? Do we really have to make him angry if we are to see him do something around the house? The idea that the woman should be the housemaid, and the man is the breadwinner is unfortunately still common in such dysfunctional families and it honestly really annoys me. We were not brought into this world to ‘nurture’ men – we have our own lives. I understand that some women may like this concept, however, men should not expect women to act as their own babysitters and that they have their own life to build.
Years passed, and mum claims to have seen an improvement in his behaviour – I disagree. Domestic abuse is still there. The previous years have been traumatising. Deep down I am certain that my mum knows that he didn’t really change, but she has no other option. She needs to build up funds and get back on her feet before she can ever think of the possibility of building a new life for herself, for me and my sisters. She has been trapped in this life as much as we were. I have developed multiple issues because of my dad’s behaviour, and seeing that he did not care about how my sisters and I felt during his outbursts and actions really sucked. “Why should I marry a man when the main male role model in my life was horrible?”. This fear of men has only worsened by time as I started comprehending the motives behind his actions as I got older. “What if the man I fall in ‘love’ with does not understand the concept of consent like my father? What if I am not able to tell someone I ‘love’ that something is annoying or hurting me?” As a 19 year old woman I am afraid of letting my barriers down for a man because of what I have seen my father do. Domestic abuse has literally destroyed me and my future relationships, and so far, therapy hasn’t helped me overcome all the psychological damage that has been caused upon me.
If you want to share your story or you are a victim of domestic abuse either from your parents or your partner please contact us at wham or send us an email at [email protected]. We also encourage you to contact the Women for Women Foundation to see how they can help you.
Mariposa’s Blog features real experiences and emotions written by a mother and her daughters. Together they cover various aspects in relation to the journey of life, such as emotions, fertility, domestic violence, student struggles, female issues, teen problems, health and childhood education material and much more.
Click here to check out Mariposa’s Blog bio as well as a list of all its Wham published articles
