Difference in Sexual Desire: Can It Break Up Long-Term Relationships?

Difference in sexual desire happens because individuals and circumstances change. But can this be the reason for long-term relationships to fail? Psychosexual & Relationship Therapist Anna Catania delves deep into the root causes of this problem…

Sexual desire can be defined as a wish to engage in sexual activity. This can be sparked by a number of cues including erotic books, videos or pictures (certain scenes in Bridgerton for example), private thoughts, fantasies, feelings and particular social interactions. Moreover, sexual desire can at times be accompanied by biological changes including an increase in heart rate and breathing, erect nipples and genital arousal including penile erection and vaginal lubrication.

Sexual drive and sexual desire can be seen as two different concepts. An individual’s sex drive refers to the basic urge to initiate sex and is usually dependent on physiological processes and regulated by hormones mainly oestrogen and testosterone. On the other hand, sexual desire is influenced by a number of factors including those that are psychological, cultural, relational and social in nature. Interestingly, researchers do not fully understand the link between romantic affection and sexual desire. What we do know is that individuals in the first six months of romantic attachment have higher level of oxytocin, compared with non-attached single people. Oxytocin termed the ‘cuddle hormone’ plays a role in bonding, sexual desire and trust. Studies also indicate that this hormone increases sexual receptiveness and a feeling of intimacy.

Sexual desire in women

Over the last two decades, we have seen an increase in interest on the subject of female sexual desire both from the medical community and the sexology one. Unfortunately, initially the movement to ‘treat’ this problem in the early 2000 led to a number of concerns about pathologizing a normal difference in women’s sexual desire. However, as research in this area developed, we realised that one of the most prominent gender differences is that women tend to place greater emphasis on relationships and attachment as a context of sexual desire and sexual expression.

Historically men have enjoyed more freedom around sexual feelings and expression and for decades women have been socialised to restrict sexual expression to heterosexual sexual relationships primarily happening in marriage. Moreover, from an evolutionary perspective and to achieve reproductive success, men might have in general developed stronger sexual desires.

Why can a difference in sexual desire cause problems in long-term exclusive relationships?

In long-term monogamous relationships, we commit to have sex with the same partner “as death do us part”. Exclusivity is expected and infidelity usually rocks the core of the monogamous relationship. Generally, in the initial months of a relationship, sexual intimacy is one of the most beautiful and exciting aspects of being together. As months and years go by sexual needs change because individuals and circumstances change. Childbirth and raising children, infertility, stress at work, financial difficulties, grief, menopause and chronic illness amongst other factors can take their toll on sexual desire. In spite of all this, the partner with a higher sexual desire can feel that the lack of sexual interest is a form of rejection. On the other hand, the partner experiencing low libido can feel guilty that they are not seeing to their loved one’s sexual needs. Talking about sex, openly and honestly can help maintain intimacy long term. However, couples may endure having unsatisfying sex for years because this can be a very difficult topic to address.

Studies indicate that on average, 80% of couples experience different levels of sexual desire at one point in their relationship. Couples that are in long term relationships and manage to maintain a satisfying sex life are generally affectionate outside the bedroom, talk kindly to each other, use compliments, support each other and push each other to grow. They have regular date nights, give priority to their relationship and time together. Sexual differences are navigated by trying to meet each other’s needs halfway, see the importance of their partner feeling loved and desired while balancing their need of preserving personal space. Communication is key and exploring different options for the couple can give them hope and help them see light at the end of the tunnel.

---

Do you have a personal experience you’d like to share anonymously or in your name on wham? Contact us or send us an email at [email protected]

---

References

Baumeister, R. F. (2000). Gender differences in erotic plasticity: The female sex drive as socially flexible and responsive. Psychological Bulletin, 126, 347-374.

Behnia, B., Heinrichs, M., Bergmann, W., Jung, S. Germann, J., Schedlowski, M. Hartmann, U. & Kruger, T.H.C. (2014). Differential effects of intranasal oxytocin on sexual experiences and partner interactions in couples. Hormone Behaviour, 65(3). 308-18.

Gunst, A, Wener, M., Waldorp, L.J., Lann, E.T.M, Kallstrom, M. & Jern, P. (2018). A network analysis of female sexual function: Comparing symptom networks in women with decreased, increased, and stable sexual desire. Scientific Reports, 8(1), 15815-10.

Heiman, J. (2001). Sexual desire in human relationships. In W. Everaerd, E. Laan, & S. Both (Eds.), Sexual appetite, desire and motivation: Energetics of the sexual system (pp. 117-134). Amsterdam: Royal Netherlands Academy of Arts and Sciences.

Rehman, U. S., Balan, D., Sutherland, S., & McNeil, J. (2018). Understanding barriers to sexual communication. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. Advance online publication. DOI: 10.1177/0265407518794900

Sutherland, S.E., Rehman, U.S & Fallis, E.E. (2019). A Descriptive Analysis of Sexual Problems in Long-Term Heterosexual Relationships. Journal of Sexual Medicine. 16:701. doi: org/10.1016/j.jsxm.2019.02.015.