Female orgasmic disorder or anorgasmia is the inability to reach orgasm during sex or through sexual stimulation. Colloquially we use words like: “I did not come” or “I did not finish” after having sex.
In my clinical experience, women can experience distress when they do not reach orgasm because they fear that there is something wrong with them or that their bodies are not functioning well.
However, recent research indicates that in most cases anorgasmia does not stem from a biological problem. In fact, reasons for not reaching orgasm can be various and may include stress and/or anxiety, not giving oneself enough time to enjoy sex, body image difficulties, inadequate arousal and lubrication, shame, medication, pain and previous sexual trauma. Many women seek help because their inability to reach orgasm is causing problems in their relationships. At times, relationship difficulties can actually be contributing to the problem. For example, lack of trust, infidelity and the inability to communicate openly can lead to a reluctance to let go and be vulnerable during sex. This can generate a need to remain in control and not be able to be fully immersed in sexual pleasure and connection during partnered sex.
Many of the above factors can be improved through psychoeducation, exploring different techniques and improving communication between partners. A very important point to keep in mind is that women require clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm.
In men, the head of the penis contains the largest amount of orgasm-triggering nerves. Intercourse stimulates these nerves fully therefore, unless there is erectile dysfunction, men are likely to experience orgasm through intercourse without any problems. On the other hand the majority of orgasm-inducing nerves in women are in the clitoris NOT in the vagina. This lovely piece of female anatomy can be found a few inches north of the vaginal opening protected by the inner labia or vaginal lips. Studies suggest that only around 50% of women experience orgasm through intercourse in heterosexual relationships. Intercourse, even if prolonged and vigorous, provides little direct clitoral stimulation, making orgasm less likely. Hand massage of the external genitalia or oral sex are more likely to stimulate the clitoris making orgasm more probable. Improving sexual intimacy and connection through kissing, cuddling and massage also helps.
Unfortunately, pornography portraying heterosexual sex has given us a skewed version of female orgasm and implies that if our partners follow this narrative they should be getting it right. I believe it is important that we teach our partners, independent of gender and sexual orientation, how to pleasure us and therefore it is extremely important that we know our own bodies and learn what we like and dislike during sex.
“I have probably faked it more than I have had an orgasm. Just because you get tired. Sometimes I’ll just fake it because my back hurts and I’ve had enough. Guys have this completion idea – that you’re not finished if you don’t finish…They are pay-off oriented. They don’t acknowledge it as sex unless there is some sort of climax. The orgasm isn’t the be-all end-all of sex, it’s really about the journey” Margaret Cho.
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Anna Catania (M.Cons. PG(Dip) Psychosexual and relationship therapy is a warranted counsellor specialised in the area if sex and relationships. She provides counselling to individuals and couples who are having difficulties with sexuality, relationships and intimacy.
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