When a woman sees those two lines appear on a pregnancy test, in most cases, she feels an incredible amount of joy. This wasn’t the case for me. When the test turned out to be positive four years ago, I had a full-blown panic attack. Why? Because I’d been here before. Out of four pregnancies before this, I got to hold one of my babies in my arms. The other three times all resulted in miscarriages. While I wish I could have felt happiness when I saw a positive pregnancy test, all I could feel was fear.
Before the first ultrasound, I felt the same way I did two years prior – like my heart was about to come out of my chest. I mentally prepared myself for the sentence I had heard before, “I’m sorry, we can’t find the heartbeat.” Being the kind of person whose face says it all, as soon as I stepped into the gynaecologist’s office, he instantly knew I was nervous and scared, and having been with me through my past experiences, he knew exactly why.
I lay down for the ultrasound, closed my eyes and thought, “OK, let’s get this over and done with. Tell me the sentence I’m used to hearing, and I can go through the emotional and physical pain I’m used to.” Except this time, I heard that magical sound, the same sound I heard seven years before, the one I never thought I’d hear again. He smiled and told me, “See! There it is!” I cannot explain the rush of emotions I felt at that very moment. That was also the moment my son found out I was pregnant, as we had kept it from him in case we got the usual bad news.
While I knew my little girl was strong, the fear I had still stayed with me throughout my pregnancy. At every appointment, upon seeing the fear in my eyes as soon as I stepped into his office, my gynaecologist kept reminding me to enjoy the journey I was on. While I tried my best, I knew I wouldn’t completely relax until I held my baby in my arms. The fact that the pandemic started halfway through my pregnancy didn’t help calm my nerves either, but I did my utmost to distract myself and to be positive. I constantly reminded myself to focus on things I can control and to let go of the things I have no control over.
While my journey was full of different emotions, it was all worthwhile when, on June 22nd, 2020, I held little Emma in my arms for the very first time. That beautiful moment when I knew my strong girl made it, safe and sound, was like no other. Both my children, who came after miscarriages, are my perfect reminder that just when you think you will never see the light again, a rainbow so beautiful and precious comes along to remind you just how bright your world can be.
Rebecca Galea is the marketing and web design expert for the Women for Women Foundation. She’s a single mum of two and has always been passionate about empowering and helping women in any way she can.
