Experiencing Loss and Grief in Intimate Relationships

Experiencing loss and grief in an intimate relationship can be very hard. Ending an intimate relationship can be an extremely distressing experience even if the decision to do so is ours. There is loss of the physical presence of the person, loss of routine, loss of doing things together, loss of good times shared. Most of the time there are practical matters to be addressed and difficult emotions to work through. We might be feeling as though hollow inside or carrying a heavy burden with us everywhere we go.

Loss is painful and it’s normal to try and avoid pain in our everyday lives. In an attempt to do so we can suppress what we are feeling, try and alienate ourselves or avoid our emotions. Avoidance and suppression can come at a high cost as these emotions are exhausting and diminish our ability to do anything else. We can be stuck in the same mind-set by going over and over again what happened and how our story unraveled.  We can be trapped in looking at infinite maybes like: “if I listened more maybe I would not have pushed my partner away”, “if they worked less maybe we would have worked through our difficulties” or “if I was more available sexually maybe my partner would not have looked for sex elsewhere”.

Grief is a natural response to loss. It is our way of working through being physically and emotionally separated from someone we loved. Recent research and therapeutic practice suggests that grief is not linear and does not usually follow the clean process of denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. In the same day we might experience a range of emotions including anger, sadness, relief, guilt, remorse, fear, frustration, bargaining and acceptance. There are days which are full of good moments and others where grief hits us like a tornado because of a song we used to share or a smell that reminds us of the person we lost.

What helps us cope when experiencing loss and grief?

Keeping a regular routine:

You might feel like curling up in bed and pining away however keeping a regular routine is important. Have a shower in the morning, have breakfast, go for a brisk walk. Keep up your work routine from home or at the office. Do the activities that help you structure your day and help you keep a semblance of normality.

Put yourself first:

Unfortunately, for most women, the notion of not being selfish has at times changed into being completely selfless. We are socialized into put others’ needs before our own and forgetting about our own needs completely. When we are grieving we need to acknowledge the pain of loss and nurse ourselves back into physical, emotional and psychological health. The focus during the grieving process is you, because you are important as well.

Embracing feelings of loss:

When we loose someone we love we want to push the overwhelming feelings of sadness and anxiety away. We try and distract ourselves by eating or drinking excessively, being on social media or watching television for long period of times or doing too many hours at work, anything really to numb our pain.

Accepting feelings of loss and grief is the first step in our healing process. We might feel overwhelmed and fear our pain will last forever but the reality is that this too shall pass.