Over the past five years many women have shared their abortion experiences in confidence with me. So far, none of them has ever told me she regrets it. On the contrary most of the women I have spoken to have told me it was the best thing they did, and they have absolutely no regrets. I would like to share a couple of their experiences.
Abortion is about compassion and understanding.
UK statistics for 2018 show that 90% of all abortions in the UK happen before 12 weeks. Having a termination before 12 weeks of pregnancy is like having a miscarriage. Maltese women are having abortions before 12 weeks. Women are ordering pills online. It’s a painful process and may involve cramp-like pains and in some cases a lot of bleeding but it is very safe. Pills arrive in a couple of weeks.
Every woman’s pregnancy experience is different, and depending on her life circumstances at the time that the same woman may experience both joy or panic with different pregnancies.
Personally, when I discovered I was unexpectedly pregnant in 1997 at 28 years of age – I was extremely happy – even though it was not a planned pregnancy – I immediately knew I wanted my baby. I felt like the luckiest girl in the world. I had no symptoms, no morning sickness, I never felt better. It was the happiest time of my life and my heart was constantly in happy mode.
Especially those first weeks, I had a special happy secret, I loved being pregnant. I loved being the only one that knew I was carrying a baby. I loved knowing I would soon be able to tell the rest of the world that I was pregnant. I loved hearing the heartbeat, faster than any other heartbeat I had ever heard before. I loved my visits at the gynae and seeing my baby on the ultrasound. I remember those days floating on happiness, like it was yesterday, I can still feel that extraordinary feeling. I am sure many women know exactly what I mean.
Now, reverse that happy feeling and put yourself in the shoes of a woman who doesn’t want to be pregnant, who like me didn’t plan to get pregnant, but who unlike me just knows she doesn’t want to have to continue with her pregnancy. The emotions are just as strong but in a very different way. This is what happened to Serena*:
Serena who has been with her boyfriend for 11 years and doesn’t want children tells me about her unplanned pregnancy:
“I was constantly sick, I felt really trapped with something I did not want, I just couldn’t understand why I was the one pregnant and women who actually want kids can’t get pregnant.”
“I almost hated my bf because he got me pregnant, but I was the one going through all of the physical and psychological problems and yet it’s always the woman that is judged. It was a horrible feeling, I felt so alone through it all, because even people who should help like doctors and nurses, in Malta they don’t.”
Serena
I got to know Serena when she contacted me to help her find a therapist who is pro-choice because:
“Many therapists are not pro-choice and the ones who are don’t come forward, so this situation is creating even more hardship. I’m not surprised if some women even contemplate suicide. Thankfully, I could afford to go abroad for a termination, but I often think of how desperate other women who can’t afford to travel must feel.”
“I was traumatised from the pregnancy, not from the termination, the abortion saved my life, those 10 minutes of the procedure changed my life – I was able to have my life back. The experience at the Marie Stopes was lovely; with kind, caring people who help you and understand you with no judgement at all. The clinic was packed with women like me. I thought how nice it must be valued as human beings, and to just make a call and fix an appointment in your own country, rather than like us having to sneak away alone to travel to another country like us Maltese women.
Serena
It is not the abortion that I need to get over but the fact that even though we used condoms I still got pregnant, now I can’t face having sex, I’m too worried about getting pregnant again!”
Serena explains that she is allergic to hormonal contraception, and due to the irregular shape of her uterus cannot use the copper coil either.
“I desperately need to speak to a therapist about the trauma of having had an unplanned pregnancy. Hopefully they can help me to get through this because its ruining my sex life and my relationship with my boyfriend.”
Serena
Women in Serena’s situation feel they are constantly walking on a tight rope never knowing whether that condom is going to slip out or burst. Never being able to really enjoy sex due to the fear of getting pregnant.
Larissa* on the other hand always wanted children but never realised that she would feel suicidal and have such a severe fear of childbirth until she got pregnant.
“The issue of tokophobia is unheard of in Malta and I found no help from anyone including the perinatal team. In Malta, they just cared about the pregnancy not my mental health. I was clearly suicidal and if it was not for the help of my husband I would not be here today.”
Larissa
Larissa tells me she loves children, and had she known she was going to feel like she did she would not have gotten pregnant in the first place.
“I wanted so much to become pregnant but when I did everything changed. It was like a switch and I felt very depressed”
Larissa
Larissa explains how nobody in Malta helped her:
“I went to the gynae twice, but she failed to realize how depressed I was. By week 9 I bought the abortion pills and by week 10 it was either the pills or walking through rush hour traffic. I don’t regret or feel guilty about the abortion because it was either that or suicide. When it was over, I never felt so much relieve. It was a life saver for me!”
Larissa
For Larissa having an abortion saved her life.
Larissa researched online and realised she was suffering from a condition called tokophobia. Tokophobia is described as a pathological fear of pregnancy and can lead to avoidance of childbirth.
“No one truly understood me when I was pregnant, they kept saying its normal to be afraid and everything was going to be ok. But my mind was telling me I’d rather jump in front of a car rather than go through childbirth. I used to have truly huge panic attacks that would turn me blue to the face. I honestly never knew of tokophobia, i just knew that I was afraid, but everyone kept telling me that was normal. If I knew my fear was so bad I would have never gotten pregnant in the first place.”
Larissa
Larrisa’s experience shows that we need to create more awareness about tokophobia. Women suffering and feeling like Larissa should discuss the possibility of suffering with tokophobia with their doctor right away.
Larissa tells me she always wanted children:
“I love children and always wished I could have my own, in fact during the last 2 years since my abortion me and my husband adopted two kids, they honestly are my heart and soul. I have the most amazing husband too; he has since had a vasectomy.”
Larissa
In Malta strong anti-abortion sentiments are regularly voiced on many social media platforms and on local newspapers. They usually accompany their rhetoric with disturbing photos shared from pro-life sites that are misleading and purposely photoshopped to create strong anti-women emotions and hate towards women.
Those voicing their opinions are oftentimes men who put more importance on an embryo that can’t feel or think instead of the feelings and thoughts of a grown woman. Men who will never know the psychological trauma associated with experiencing an unplanned pregnancy. Men who do not realise that these women they are talking about are their own daughters, wives, partners or sisters. Many such women have contacted me for help or to share their abortion experience, telling me they can’t speak openly because their father, son, brother is very pro-life.
It is not only men who are anti-choice, there are also many women who find no compassion or empathy for women who are pro-choice. Some women haven’t realised that their own daughters, sisters, aunts have had terminations and that speaking out and calling women murderers, might actually be calling their own daughter or sister a “murderer”. Being pro-choice is all about loving and caring about the women in your life.
For those of you on the fence and still unclear about what or who to believe, I suggest you do not listen to me but go and do your own research. See what the professionals say, the RCOG – Royal College of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists or the United Nations, or the World Health Organization. Try to be open and compassionate towards our sisters so they might also share their personal stories with you just as they have done with me. It is only through compassion and empathy and understanding of the suffering of other women, by walking in our sisters’ shoes that we can ever truly understand the necessity of safe legal abortion as an integral part of a country’s healthcare.
*Names were changed to protect both women’s identity.
Francesca Fenech Conti is passionate about social issues and has a BA in Social Policy. She is the Founder and creator of the women only facebook group Women for Women (Malta) and the Women for Women Foundation that works hand in hand with other NGOs and businesses to empower and support women, especially single mothers.
Francesca recently also launched Wham.com.mt to provide a much needed space on the local media scene to promote women’s voices and to provide women with a source of information regarding their general wellbeing.
Click here to check out Francesca’s full bio as well as a list of all her Wham published articles
