Featuring brave women’s #metoomalta experiences to raise awareness about the extensive psychological damage that sexual assault causes to its victims.
Trigger warning: sexual assault, rape.
When Francesca Fenech Conti, administrator of the group Women for Women (Malta) on Facebook shared a personal disclosure of sexual assault, she wasn’t prepared for what happened next-message after message flooded her inbox with real, raw experiences from women who have experienced sexual assault and rape in their lifetimes.
Many women finally found the courage to open up anonymously about their own painful experiences from the past, some of which were childhood sexual traumas, with some of the women speaking up about their own experiences for the very first time in their lives.
Below is a brave woman’s #metoomalta experience with the hope of raising awareness about the extensive psychological damage that sexual assault inflicts on its victims, as well as to help more women come to terms with past #metoomalta sexual assault experiences, thus enabling emotional healing.
When I was in year 5 & 6 (around 9-10 years old) I had a teacher who was in his mid 40s. He was a good teacher, funny, smart and he always favoured me. He would give me extra attention with schoolwork and I always looked forward to his lessons.
After a while be began acting inappropriately. I had an operation and being on crutches, I was allowed to spend break times in the classroom whilst being supervised by a teacher. Most days it would be him who would stay with me and during this time he would chat with me, give me pet names, remark on my developing body, rub my back and on one occasion sat next to me and put his hand up my skirt and stroked my privates over my pants.
I remember being so shocked, I grabbed his hand and tried to pull it away. He told me that “as an educator it was his job to teach me about my body as well”. I even began to notice his car parked outside my house very frequently on school days as I didn’t live far. Even though he made me uncomfortable, I was too young to understand what was happening and didn’t say anything to my parents because I was fearful of the repercussions.
When I was 13 I signed up to Facebook. I hadn’t seen him since leaving primary school and after a few weeks of being online, I found a friend request from him. Unfortunately I accepted it and that’s when the grooming and brainwashing started. At first he would seem genuinely interested in how I was doing at school and offered to help if I needed him to answer any homework related questions.
But eventually his conversations turned sexual. He would tell me how much I aroused him and how he thought of me every time he had sex with his wife, he taught me how to masturbate, commented on my looks and even offered to buy me things like jewelry and a mobile if I met up with him in person. Using my innocence and naivety to his advantage, he groomed and manipulated me anyway he wanted. He would tell me that he was in love with me and that he wanted to run away abroad somewhere to start a new life with me and explain in detail all the sexual things he wanted to do to me.
Even though I knew it was wrong, I kept it a secret as he made me believe that I would get into trouble if I told anyone as no one would understand ‘our relationship’. I was in too deep and didn’t know how to get out of it. Sometimes he would get angry if I took long to respond to his messages and would threaten to come to my house to expose us if I ended things and blocked him. I was ashamed, embarrassed and scared and began suffering from anxiety, depression and self harm. I felt completely out of control.
Eventually I called his bluff in the middle of an argument when I told him I couldn’t meet up and blocked him and thankfully I never heard from him again. My experience hugely affected my relationships, behaviour growing up and my mental health. It took me many years to understand what had happened to me and till this day I still suffer from trust issues, anger issues, and PTSD. I bottled it up and blamed myself for so long that only with the help of therapy, I came to accept that I did suffer abuse and that it was not my fault. I refuse to be his victim.
I have many times had the urge to report him. I have always worried about what he might do to other kids if I didn’t speak up and quite truthfully it’s a guilt I carry around every time I think of it. I do want justice but I’m afraid. I’m scared about how it would impact my family who have always been very protective. How they would cope with the revelation that their daughter hid such a painful secret, it would destroy them. HE has taken away so much from me already, I cant let him ruin and break my family now.
Also, another worry of mine is the court. We all know justice is rarely ever served and I don’t think I would be strong enough to go through the whole process, just to have him walk away or end up with a light sentence. Having said that, I would consider taking action to keep other children safe from him if I were to remain anonymous. Fortunately, I do have every single conversation saved, some of them, he clearly confesses to the abuse and his sexual advances towards me.
Dear parents, please make it a point to check your kids’ phones and what they do online, Have those awkward conversations and take all behaviour changes seriously. By doing so, you can be a safe place for children to turn to. Thank you to everyone whose taken the time to read my story. And to anyone who has suffered/ is suffering abuse, you are not alone and with help you can get better
Anonymous Woman#AsurvivorNotavictim #Breakthesilence #MetooAnonymous Woman
