It has been 4 days since I’ve left a toxic, violent, abusive relationship with a narcissist I thought I would spend the rest of my life with, and I am struggling. The narcissistic damage I have experienced has been traumatic to say the least.
I have a massive knot in my stomach because while my entire life has been ripped apart thanks to the narcissistic damage he inflicted on me, he keeps enjoying his life as though he is just fine, as though HE was the martyr in the relationship. He gets to keep his friends, the friends he vetted for me because they would always cover for him and sing his praises. All I want to do is scream at the top of my lungs, “He’s a cheating wife beater! What the hell are you still hanging around him for?? Why are you offering HIM the support instead of ME? How did you take his side??”, but I cannot because it would affect my court case. So, I am going to write about my experience anonymously in the hopes of releasing some of this bile I have pent up inside of me, and in the hopes of helping women who are experiencing domestic violence and narcissistic damage.
Let me start off my talking about myself. This, I must admit feels strange because the last thing I want is to be pitied or shamed, but those are the most common reactions a layperson has, and they add to my embarrassment, to say the least. So here goes.
I am a tertiary educated professional in my late twenties, with a strong work ethic and an even stronger sense of self. I know how I want to live my life, and I uphold my values strongly. Here’s the kicker; I am also a very vocal advocate for women’s rights, and after having already been in a toxic relationship with another narcissist and have experienced narcissistic damage before, I can see the signs well. I also have self esteem issues stemming from a rough childhood, and I also have this insurmountable urge to gain my father’s approval.
My ex is also a thirty something tertiary educated professional. I won’t say where we work because we are the talk of the town, from what I gather. He is handsome, smart, funny and generous, and he promised me everything I ever wanted; a family, stability, a long and loving future, and a lifestyle full of amazing experiences. That is, until he didn’t any longer.
The signs were all there, and I refused to see them.
It started off with policing my social media accounts – who I follow on Instagram, why I follow men, why they follow me, who likes this picture and why. It escalated when he wanted to see pictures of all the men I worked with, where he forced me to avoid the most good looking of them all; a feat which I admit was very difficult because we must work together.
He wanted to know where I was and who I was with; his excuse was that since I had been single for so long, I had forgotten how to be in a relationship, so I conceded. I would send him proof of where I was and if I was alone, too. I also offered to help him make his house habitable because this was going to be our family home, so I wanted to contribute.
One night, I went out with a female friend of mine to discuss my relationship with him, as I felt like I was losing him. We had had a fight over something stupid involving a trolling motor. I don’t even remember what we fought about. In retrospect, I know that I was perceiving him changing his demeanor, losing trust in me and becoming verbally abusive.
As a professional late comer to any party, I arrived to find her sitting at a table with friends of hers that she ran into in a very relaxed setting, who happened to be men. I sat down and spent the better part of an hour going on about how amazing my boyfriend is to me. Being faithful I texted him to invite him over as we were having fun and I wanted him to share in that.
According to my friend, my face changed to an expression of terror, because my amazing boyfriend lost his mind and accused me of going to the bar to sleep with someone else.
Mind you, we were having sex every single day at the time, and I was blindly in love with this man, so I had absolutely no reason or intention to cheat on him. I raced home to try and talk things over, and I found him trying to throw my clothes downstairs to kick me out.
That moment I knew that this was never going to work, but I did not want to declare yet another failed relationship with yet another guy who tricked me into falling madly in love with him. I was afraid of being alone again, of losing his big, beautiful house, of having to date again so I begged him to give me another chance and that I would not see my friend again.
She knew something was wrong, he texted her calling her a whore and to leave his girlfriend out of her nights full of screwing random men. She had been in a violent relationship and could tell how this was going to end, but I didn’t want to listen to her sound advice. I didn’t want to pay attention to the warning signs that I could clearly see.
My nights out fizzled into nothing, and his increased. I was never very much into partying, so I gave him the freedom to do what he pleased so long as he stayed in touch with me. I have found out that he had been cheating on me every night he went out alone. He made me believe he was sorry, but he couldn’t help himself, that when he was intoxicated he would forget about his phone and that I didn’t need to worry, because I knew he wouldn’t get an erection for anyone but me when under the influence. (Side note: EVERY man can get it up after a night of partying especially with stimulants involved. DO NOT BELIEVE THEM. If they use this excuse, RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN. You may be as hot as a Victoria’s Secret model, but they will get it up for anything if the urge so strikes.)
The only independent thing I had left was a part time job working overseas. This is where my rock-solid work ethic comes into play. There was nothing arousing about my job nor the colleagues I worked with. I wish I could provide more information but at the moment it would be safer for me not to. I also do not sleep with colleagues because I would rather avoid the drama.
I spent the summer travelling to different destinations for a few days at a time, working very long hours but also glued to my phone and keeping my ex informed of everything. First, he told me that he didn’t want me travelling as the only female in a group anymore, then he didn’t want me travelling at all.
This was the first time he was violent. He threw a chair at the kitchen island and dented it, instead of throwing it at me. I conceded after this outburst, feeling like it was my fault, like I had asked for too much of him.
Thankfully the covid pandemic halted all my travelling plans so I didn’t have to come up with all the excuses under the sun to avoid going on work trips, to make more money to support him.
All our arguments were because of the same thing. I would point out how one-sided our relationship was, and he would invalidate my disappointments, telling me I never did anything anyway and that he was always picking up after me.
Let me tell you, his house is a large four bedroom with sixty-eight steps as well as a cellar and a large rooftop. Working full time and doing all day-to-day things, such as cooking, laundry and light cleaning did not allow for me to keep a spotless house. The only chore he stuck to was feeding the cats, which I also contributed to. He would stuff a load into the washing machine at times, but only if I prompted him after 9am or else he would forget. He cooked twice, and he never picked up a mop.
I was reminded of how I lived in the house rent-free, so I felt obliged to pay for most of the groceries, and pay half of the utility bill, too. I also paid for a substantial portion of his pending household bills as well as necessities to make the house habitable. I lived there rent-free, but I paid for it in kind and then some. He still threatens me with not giving me the thousands of euro I paid for things which he kept after the breakup.
I wish I stuck to my gut and went to a notary to officiate a contract between us. Please do not repeat the same mistake I did. I have receipts, but it will be a long road ahead of me to fix the extent of the narcissistic damage experienced.
He pushed me against a wall after having had a clash with his mother over some involuntary racist comments that she made. I feel like this is the only thing he can say against me, as I lost my temper and fought with her.
I did not deserve to be shoved for raising my voice to defend myself; but he made me feel as though his temper tantrums were my fault for provoking him. When I changed my tactic and let him simmer, he would ignore me for three days, go out on the third day, come back late and then it would be like nothing ever happened. Nowadays I wonder who he stuck himself into.
The next time he raised his hand to me was over a dinner that I made on Christmas Eve for our parents, alone. He felt like it was necessary to push me again for not having had a perfect outcome, and that I did it on purpose because I hated his parents. This time, he wrapped his hands around my neck because I raised my voice and defended myself. I don’t think I can ever make a steak dinner again for people with different preferences again after all that he had put me through on the day.
I first had doubts about him cheating on me when he went to Gozo for Carnival weekend in a farmhouse full of single men and women. The only peer he had, was a friend who was dating a girl at the time, and the boys would share a room. I did not go, because I was working on my dissertation. He did not stay in touch, and he also landed himself on another girl’s social media account. His friends however, vouched hard for him and I thought to myself, his friends have been very respectful towards me, so I should believe them.
Let me tell you this, birds of a feather flock together.
At this point, I decided to stop defending myself, I decided to let things go. We stopped fighting for a while but when covid struck, he was afraid for his life because he was convinced, I would infect him from my high risk job. When I told him that I would move out, he let me stay and we hadn’t fought again. He was working from home and still expected me to make dinner and keep house.
He has had multiple indiscretions during lockdown, despite our having a healthy and varied sex life, having a second property where I imagine he took his special friends to. While I do not understand how a woman can touch another woman’s man, he was the one who had obligations towards me, and his indiscretions make every one of his side pieces’ pale in comparison.
One month ago, he gave me a black eye for asking him to get us home safely on the water. Physical mark of narcissistic damage …
I had my first ever panic attack, not because he hit me, but because I was afraid of losing him. He didn’t speak to me for 5 days and discussed the possibility of leaving me with his friends. I later found out that he conveniently left out the violence. We were all fine for his close friend’s birthday the week after that, to keep up appearances. Appearances have always been very important to him, and it is amazing how quickly intelligent women can fall for them.
We decided to start looking at purchasing a boat together. I should have been reporting him to the police, but I believed that I deserved the black eye he gave me because I was screaming in fear. However, that black eye ignited a fire in me that I had put out to keep the peace. I was standing up for myself and he was not having it. He would have his raging mood swings again, blaming me for a faulty appliance for example. The day it ended, I told him that I couldn’t take the one-sided relationship anymore. I would not accept the lack of affection except for when he wanted to have sex with me. I would also not accept him walking away from me anymore, so when I unlocked a door that he put between us, he started pushing me, breaking things and throwing them at me, pulling my hair, slamming my head against the floor repeatedly, trying to throw me down the stairs, and throwing a wood saw at me just to scare me into submission.
An anonymous call brought the police over…
While I sent the officer away, I heard an inner voice telling me, “What the hell do you think you’re doing? You don’t deserve this shit.” I reported him to the police and moved out with my cats that day. He does try to threaten me at times, but I simply add these to the police report. I found so much support from the police officers as well as Appogg, and I have found the support of people who could tell that something was wrong when I pushed them away.
I will not call myself a victim, or a survivor. I am calling myself a lady boss and I am going to get what I am owed, and he will be charged with the fullest extent of the law, and justice will be served for all the narcissistic damage he has caused me.
I keep saying to myself whether I should hire a private investigator for my next partner, but I know very well that my ex is a master manipulator, Oscar winning actor and pathological liar.
My only advice to myself would be to love hard, but keep my eyes open, and most of all, to always trust my gut and NEVER change who I am for anyone who tells me he loves me. I will not change the loving person that I am, but I will protect myself legally and I will not let any man tell me what to do again.
I advise you to do the same. If you are in an abusive relationship or experiencing narcissistic damage, there are ways to get out of it. Please do not suffer in silence. Do not underestimate narcissistic damage. No matter how terrible you think you are, you DO NOT deserve to be struck or made to feel invalidated through your abuser’s gaslighting. There is so much support available. Domestic violence is being given a lot of importance. You are also lady bosses, and you will be supported, so long as you take the first step.
If you have experienced narcissistic damage too and you would like to share your experience with our readers either in your name or anonymously please contact us or send us an email to [email protected]
