There is an expectation by all to dissect and ridicule, with there being only one seeming aim throughout all of this – shame …
The most interesting and enjoyable things to be experienced in life lay beyond the comments one finds themselves capable of conjuring about other people.
The feeling is palpable, you haven’t seen your family in a while and you are going to have lunch with them, and all of a sudden your body breaks out into a cold sweat – not because you are nervous of seeing people you have known your entire life, no, unless you have generalised anxiety this is unlikely. You are breaking out in a cold sweat because you are anticipating the judgement, and thus the snide remarks that are used to communicate said judgement. Will your aunt verbally disapprove of your outfit? Will your grandfather verbally disapprove of your art? Will your cousin remind you that you have gained weight since they spent any sort of feasible time with you when you were literally children and had not even hit puberty yet?
Perhaps.
The possibilities are all there, endless and ripe for the taking, your self image and self-confidence splayed out on a table ready to be picked apart by relatives who act as if they have nothing more valuable to talk about than finding aspects of other people that they do not particularly like.
Many of us have come to expect this from family members, from friends, from so many people in our vicinity – even from strangers in the street. There is almost an expectation from others to pick apart every person we come across, every woman who dares to sing and dance her heart out on television, every man who dares to wear those new jeans, every child who starts to get hair growth under their armpits, every person whose breasts get bigger after puberty – there is an expectation by all to dissect and ridicule, with there being only one seeming aim throughout all of this – shame.
Growing up in places like Malta, shaming others feels almost like a natural part of the learning process. From when we are children we are taught to feel ashamed of our own bodies and the potential of them taking up too much space. We are taught to look down on others if they wear things we would not wear ourselves. For many of us, growing up, we were convinced that anything different to ourselves was shameful – is shameful – even when that notion goes against everything beautiful about humankind and the wonderful variation of cultures and people and places.
A person’s worth does not lie within someone else’s opinion of them – it just makes the human experience that much more uncomfortable. Snide comments are aplenty over dinner tables, in the street, on beaches – “she definitely shouldn’t be wearing those shorts”; “she should start shaving, look at that hair on her legs”; “why can’t he just dress for his size?”; “They do their art thing – I wish they’d have studied more or become a doctor or something, at least that I understand ha. ha. ha. ha.” – but why do people feel so compelled to say anything in the first place? To put it plainly, is one’s voice so important that it needs to be heard at all times?
Perhaps not.
Comments and remarks of this sort can cause a severe decline in mental health within some people, or alternatively can create situations where severe low self esteem is slowly developed beyond childhood and right into teenagehood and adulthood. One slight comment may seem harmless to all the individuals who pass them, but placing layers of destructive remarks upon a human’s mind builds up, and could potentially end up convincing the person into believing things about themselves that simply are not true. Whether that is an overwhelming sense of self-consciousness about their body, or a fear of their passion being worthless – the result is the same – years of comments and shaming piled onto one brain that causes a breaking point, or a self image that cannot be mended.
So, how do we move beyond this? The simple answer is, stop passing remarks on people unless your profession is a critic of the thing that you are critiquing. If this seems like too much to ask for, too heavy a burden to carry, then simply do this – picture every comment as a pebble, and imagine every time that you pass a snide remark about a person you are placing a pebble onto this person’s back – hung by a string tied around their neck. Now imagine all the snide remarks this person has received over the course of their lives, and all the pebbles that are currently hanging from their neck – consider the weight of years of traumatic pebble comments tearing at their neck and slowing them down until they can barely stand up any more.
Do you believe this is dramatic? This is mental health. This is the weight of years of shame and ridicule placed upon children and adults who simply have the audacity to live the lives that they want to live. This is the weight of having a brain. And these pebbles do not only weigh individuals down, but are passed on from people to their children and their friends until they are suddenly weighing everyone down, and shame has been normalised within society to the extent that it is expected. Anyone has the capability of stopping this pattern in its tracks, of cutting the head of the metaphorical snake clean off.
It all starts by simply choosing to remain silent on that one occasion.
It all starts by choosing to encourage, and lift, rather than tear down – just that once.
#għajjejtuxbajt
Have you experienced shame and judgement? Would you like to share your story with us at wham? Contact us or send us an email at [email protected]
Għajjejt u Xbajt is a feminist platform by and for feminists, and those with questions for them. It is a non-judgemental space for all who strive for the same aim: equality and progress. They don’t claim to have all the answers, but are very dedicated to posing the questions. #għajjejtuxbajt
