I was rushed to an ultrasound room where they finally told us “we’re very sorry, there is no heartbeat”. I lost my baby …
We were so excited to meet our first baby. My pregnancy was good and straight forward, the baby movements being a constant reminder of my pregnancy. However, I must admit that I was terrified about giving birth – but then again who isn’t? The nights were getting tougher and I struggled to sleep. Then one evening, just after the 38th week, I couldn’t go to sleep and I kept tossing and turning.
I sensed that something was suddenly very wrong. I was not feeling the baby move as I usually did but I thought I was just being a bit fearful. After all I had had an ultrasound that very morning and everything was alright.
However, in the morning, I still felt uneasy and we decided to go to hospital to double-check and reassure ourselves.
At the antenatal clinic the midwife attached the CTG monitor and we couldn’t help but notice that she was suddenly a bit agitated. She turned to my husband and asked him to get me a sugary drink to try to stimulate some movement. That’s when we realized that something was terribly wrong. There was no trace on the CTG but we were in denial. Had I lost my baby?
I was rushed to an ultrasound room, for a quick scan. The minutes in between and during seemed so surreal. And then, the dreaded moment, when they finally told us “we’re very sorry, there is no heartbeat”. I lost my baby.
It was the most traumatic moment of our lives. The surreal feeling that engulfed us after realising I lost my baby quickly gave way to a feeling of profound helplessness and sadness; a horrible nightmare from which someone was sure to wake us up; but that wasn’t to be. All I could think about was the child in my belly, the 38-week pregnancy, the waiting and preparing, the dream of welcoming our child. But I lost my baby. Suddenly everything was taken away from us.
The doctors and midwives gave us space and we cried together. We tried to numb the pain and to be supportive to each other. Our next fear was about the immediate future. What would happen now? How was I going to give birth to a 38-weeker and a stillbirth? I had heard stories of other people who went through similar experiences and I never thought it would happen to us – until it really did.
I spoke to my obstetrician, who was very supportive. She told me not to blame myself for what had happened. I asked her if I could have saved the baby had I presented earlier, but she said that unfortunately once the baby’s heart stopped beating in utero there was nothing we could have done. Eventually together we planned an admission for induction of labour for the following morning.
That night, I could hardly close an eye. My husband told me that he was worried that now something would happen to me too. I brushed it off saying it would be alright but deep down even I felt uneasy.
The drive to hospital the next day was tough. When we arrived in the Delivery Suite, the midwives and the bereavement midwife were very caring. They explained step by step what to expect from the induction, delivery and what would happen thereafter.
It was overwhelming thinking about funeral arrangements, when just a few hours ago we were thinking about a birth and a christening.
The day passed slowly. My husband and I barely spoke, but we didn’t need to. We were quietly supporting each other through this tragic moment. The induction started at 11am and by 4pm I started feeling cramps. The contractions started and I progressed very rapidly. By 5pm I was having frequent, sharp and severe contractions and eventually started begging for more pain relief. As the pain became unbearable, an epidural was set-up. Just before the epidural effect started to kick in, I felt the intact amniotic sac gush out, a midwife rushed to rupture the membranes and then I passed out.
The next thing I remember is waking up in intensive care unit intubated. My husband came to my side and explained what had happened. I had vomited, passed out and lost my airway.
I had a cardio-pulmonary arrest needing CPR and was rushed for an emergency C-section. Before and after the C-section I suffered 3 short-lived cardiac arrests each time with successful recovery of spontaneous circulation. There was severe blood loss and I required several blood products. I was then transferred to the intensive care unit, kept intubated and ventilated. Miraculously, after only 24 hours I was extubated and I was transferred to the obstetrics ward the following day.
A couple of days after my transfer for the Intensive Care Unit, I finally got to meet my little angel whom we named Luke. The thought of seeing him was both scary and stirring for both my husband and me, even though my husband had briefly held him, whilst I was being tended to after the post-birth problems.
I will be forever thankful that we got to meet our little angel in heaven, our little angel who definitely played a role in saving my life.
He was a perfect little baby and we wished we could hold him in our arms forever and ever but God had other plans for us. We know that he is with us every day, continuously protecting us. He will always remain in our hearts and in our minds.
Thankfully, I was discharged home after eight days. We will be eternally grateful for the support we got from family, friends and the wonderful staff at hospital for literally saving my life. It has not been an easy journey but I am proud to be a survivor.
I was granted maternity leave and took time to recover both physically and emotionally. Within 14 weeks I was keen to return back to work and to ‘normality’. This was particularly challenging amidst the COVID-19 pandemic and working as a doctor. Work was actually therapeutic and my colleagues were ever so supportive. It felt odd visiting the Intensive Care Unit and very hard to believe that 4 months before I had been there as a patient myself.
I am now happy to announce that we are expecting another baby in March. It’s been an emotional ride so far with a mixture of excitement and fear.
I believe that some things do happen for a reason, even though we might not initially understand why.
This experience has made us tougher, taught us not to take things for granted, strengthened bonds with family and friends. My bond with my husband is as strong as it has ever been and together, we continue to support each other. It may sound odd but this traumatic experience where I lost my baby has cured me from the intense anxiety I used to experience. It has made petty happenings and mishaps seem irrelevant. We now look forward to the future and will always live with our little angel walking by our sides.
If you have just experienced a stillbirth or miscarriage, you can make use of personal counseling and support which is offered by the Practice Midwife (Bereavement & Support) Mater Dei Hospital 25454442 (answering machine available).
Miscarriages Malta group on Facebook offers peer to peer support led by Martina Maria Hili offering support for those experiencing or dealing with baby loss; support for those trying to conceive after miscarriage or currently pregnant after miscarriage and support for husbands, partners, relatives or friends of persons who have passed through a miscarriage, in order to be informed, educated and find solace.
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