Having a difficult mother baby bond with my first baby was probably one of the hardest realities I have had to face as a mother (so far).
As an expectant mother I assumed that once my baby entered this world he would instinctively be obsessed with me. It did not even cross my mind that I would have to earn his trust by learning how to be his mother to form that mother baby bond.
This may not resonate with all mothers, but for those who are struggling to bond with their baby I want to assure you that it is normal and you are not alone. Bonding with your new baby may be difficult for many reasons, we often just do not speak about it. Each child and each situation is different so please remember that you have a lifetime to connect with your child.
I will share with you my exhausting struggle to bond with my newly born baby and the insecurities this experience unearthed. Whilst I am slowly working on accepting myself as a mother, the first few months of my child’s life were plagued with anxiety, jealousy and most of all shame. I believe my false expectations and the pressure I put on myself to meet those expectations, intensified the hurt I felt.
The Wounds Of My Childhood
Now to understand my experience fully, I need to explain briefly about my own childhood. Although my parents did the best they could given their emotional capacity, I never felt fully accepted or even wanted by either one of my parents. They were unable to shield their children from the pain of their divorce and we were a constant reminder of the family which had failed. Since their separation I have always felt more like a burden than a loved or cherished child. Me and my siblings have often felt rejected by both of my parents and we still do not enjoy a secure relationship with either one. I strongly believe that my fickle relationship with my parents have caused me to suffer from a range of insecurities regarding my self-worth.
My childhood scars of rejection meant that I was actually very eager to experience the unconditional love of another person.
I thought that after having my son I would finally get a sense of truly being wanted and needed. I looked forward to my child clinging on to me and seeing me as his protector. I longed for my child to make me feel significant and help me heal the wounds of my childhood. However, unfortunately this was not to be. Like a cruel joke my child actually wanted very little to do with me. Having my beautiful baby boy merely forced me to suffer rejection once more as my baby denied that mother baby bond I was so much longing for.
The All-Too-Real Struggle
Once my son was born I was petrified to even hold him. He was so tiny and fragile and I had never really been around small babies before. My partner on the other hand was a natural and was so confident with him. Of course, my son could sense my inexperience and was probably not too keen to be held by such an amatuer. Instead he found comfort in the arms of his father and would scream as soon as I approached him. If he was crying there was nothing I could do to comfort him, let alone get him to sleep.
Although I was his primary caregiver and I exhausted myself trying to please him, my son took little notice of me unless it was time for his feed.
Making matters worse, I was living with my in-laws during this time. Whilst I have complete respect and love for them they, like many new grandparents, did not allow me to have much privacy with my son. They were eager to come and take him off me if he was crying and never really allowed me to learn how to comfort him. They would desperately fight for his attention and even persistently invade my scarce one on one time with him. My daily life became a battlefield, with the prize being that precious mother baby bond – my son’s affections.
Needless to say, I was losing this battle fast to my mother in-law. She was able to comfort him with ease and he would rarely be interested in me if she was in the same room. He would always look for her over me, and each time this happened it felt like a knife was being turned in my heart. I would feel the heat of jealousy burn deeply in my soul and I would often have to leave room. Understandably, my mother in-law took pleasure in being so wanted by her grandson that she often openly joked that my son probably thought that she was his mother. I felt broken. As his mother I should have been the person he longed for. I deserved to be the person he looked for, the one he wanted to be with.
I became increasingly anxious when caring for my son especially in front of other people due to the lacking mother baby bond as I felt such shame. My own baby boy did not want me.
I did not feel worthy to be called a real ‘mother.’ I had already failed.
Gaining My Son’s Affection
Despite trying to explain my feelings and set boundaries with my in-laws these efforts fell on deaf ears. Eventually we were forced to move out as it became unbearable for me. I was worried that I might even sink into depression. Once we had moved into our own apartment and I enjoyed some real space and time to connect with my son I became increasingly confident with him. I was able to read and understand his emotions and therefore better comfort him during his outbursts. I no longer had to compete for his attention so I began to relax which only helped my son to feel more secure around me.
After some time, I began to mould myself into the mother he needed and he reciprocated by trusting me to care for him.
I now have a very deep, loving and caring connection with my son but this has been a long and difficult journey. It has forced me to open up the wounds of my past and analyse how my insecurities and false expectations hindered my ability to connect with my son. We share a beautiful relationship, my son and I, and there is now plenty of room for other loving connections also. He adores his grandparents and they in turn shower him with love and affection. Although it has been difficult to get to this point, I am very grateful that my child has so many people in his life who truly care for him.
The Raw Truth About Motherhood
I am no longer ashamed to admit that my first son and I had a difficult start to our journey as mother and child. Although such situations are not easy they are sometimes a raw reminder of how difficult motherhood can be. No one had prepared me for the harsh truth that we are not simply born as ‘mothers.’ Mothers are made through the daily interactions with our babies. We need time, patience, space and gentle guidance in order to learn how best to take care of our little one. We also need to be aware of how our own past and expectations affect our motherhood journey. Our journey will not be the same as someone’s else’s so try not to compare. Accept the imperfection.
I sincerely hope that by sharing my story I have provided some mothers with comfort in knowing that they are not doing anything wrong and they will eventually enjoy a profound relationship with their child. Your significance is not diminished even if your child does not respond to you the way you expected. I would also encourage family members and friends to give mothers the time and space they need. Respect their need to bond with their child and allow them the chance to learn for themselves how to become a ‘mother. Let’s remember that mastering ‘motherhood’ is a lesson of a lifetime.
Raw Motherhood features one woman’s true, raw and honest real life journey through the highs and lows of raising children and what it means to be a mother.
