The “happy-ever-after” in a long lasting relationship seems to be elusive. This could be the result of pre-built romantic expectations …
I read regularly on Women for Women (Malta) comments like “Where are all the good men?” “Is it possible for a 30+ year old to find a relationship which is not just for sex?” “I am going through a rough patch and it seems I can’t take a leap of faith in relationships” “My love life was never a good one due to the deep, profound psychological trauma that I had after an abusive relationship” “How can I ever trust again?”
In my line of work, I regularly meet people that are losing hope of ever meeting the “right one”.
Over the years, I have learnt that these individuals are not unrealistic or hopeless romantics who have not learned from past experiences.
On the contrary, most of them have been on numerous dating apps, read a number of self-help books and articles and sought advice from trusted family and friends. Yet the “happy-ever-after” in a long lasting relationship seems to be elusive.
What are the unrealistic notions of romanticism that we might need to challenge?
Long-term relationships will be exciting and perfect forever: Romanticism tells us that the butterflies we feel in the beginning of a relationship will be everlasting. We will have good sex regularly and the same passion until death do us part. Therefore when work, kids, pets, familial and financial responsibilities start weighing us down, we feel as if we failed in our relationship and that we are not good enough for each other. To make matters worse, romanticism fused sex and love together and made sex the ultimate expression of love. Therefore when sexual difficulties come along, these can be experienced as devastating and catastrophic.
True love involves complete self-sacrifice: The concept of romanticism insists that to love fully you should completely forget yourself and your needs and give all your energy, affection and time to the one you love. Self-growth, hobbies, rest and personal needs are not important. Couple and family needs should always, always, come first. This notion is thwarted. Unless we leave time for self-care and see to our needs on a regular basis, our relationships can become very strained. Let’s not expect from our partners, what we should be doing for ourselves.
Your feelings should guide your choice of partner: Romanticism believes that choosing your partner needs to be guided by emotions and ‘chemistry’. So we need to ‘follow our heart’ and not ‘our minds’. However, research indicates that we fall in love with those who relate to us in ‘familiar ways’. In our adult relationships we attempt to re-create a childhood attachment that we are accustomed to. To choose our partners wisely, we might need to work on and explore why we are always attracted to the same kind of individual. We also need to look into whether our partner helps us grow, supports us and can help us become better persons.
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Anna Catania (M.Cons. PG(Dip) Psychosexual and relationship therapy is a warranted counsellor specialised in the area if sex and relationships. She provides counselling to individuals and couples who are having difficulties with sexuality, relationships and intimacy.
Click here to check out Anna’s full bio as well as a list of all her Wham published articles
