What does having a feminist partner mean? The definition of feminism is: the advocacy of women’s rights on the ground of the equality of the sexes. Thus, having a feminist relationship would mean that your partner believes in the principle of equity within your union. This can be manifested as being open to going against stereotypes, if that is what is needed/wanted. On the contrary, it could also mean taking on stereotypical roles. The idea is that one does not rely on expectations, but what works for the couple in question.
There is a broad misconception that feminists cannot be stay-at-home mums or working dads, when it is actually quite the opposite. Retaining feminist principles within your relationship broadens one’s possibilities and allows each participant to freely choose what they are most comfortable with. Thus, while some feminists abhor the idea of being a stay-at-home-mum, some also love the idea. The persisting theme within such situations can be reduced to a single term: choice.
As someone who has been in a relationship rooted in feminist values for 8 years, I’m here to let you in on the advantages. So, what are the benefits of having a relationship based on feminist (and therefore egalitarian) ideology?
1. Better emotional communication.
Being in a feminist relationship means that emotional communication is not ruled out as “weak” or “feminine”, but necessary and important. By being emotionally available, one avoids unnecessary arguments that are a result of pent up anger. It also allows for a clearer discourse on space, needs and wants.
2. No salary-shaming (or hiding).
The financial burden of “bread-winner” being synonymous with “man” is thrown out, and so is the shame of not living up to it. In addition to this, women are not responsible for keeping men’s pride in check. If they are earning more than their male-counterpart it is something perfectly normal and in no way emasculating, which is ultimately ingrained within feminist values.
3. Empathy.
Men who identify themselves as feminists or feminist allies, by definition, are empathising with experiences that deviate from their own. This makes for a more caring, understanding partner with the perk of emotional intelligence. Additionally, it leaves less room for the dismissal of valid emotions and makes for better listeners.
4. A better sex life.
An Alberta study suggests that couples who abide by egalitarian principles (such as splitting housework, bills, etc.) tend to have more and better sex. Unsurprisingly, it appears that men who respect their partner in life tend to also respect their partner’s sexual needs: “Completing housework may or may not be enjoyable, but knowing that a partner is pulling his weight prevents anger and bitterness, creating more fertile ground in which a (satisfying) sexual encounter may occur.” This means that not only are feminists more respectul of one’s sexual needs, but also that sex is more regular. This is a win, win: you’re doing half the housework and having better, more regular sex.
5. Narrowing the orgasm gap
The term “orgasm gap” was coined to denote the disparity in orgasms between couples, particularly heterosexual ones. Men (with exception) have historically disregarded the woman’s orgasm, accounting for an insurmountable gap in the rates of climax between men and women. In fact, lesbian couples tend to have more orgasms. However, a feminist partner would acknowledge the climax inequality and seek to narrow it.
6. Prioritising consent.
Feminism deeply encourages the idea of pausing during sexual encounters for clear consent. In fact, not only is it encouraged, but it is also praised as being sexy. Reassuring questions like “are you sure you want to do this?” and “is this okay for you?” might seem intimidating to some (insecure) people, but certainly not feminist partners: consent always comes first, and there’s no shame about it.
7. No ties to stereotypes.
Want to prioritise your career and be a working parent? Do it. Want to be a full time stay-at-home parent? Do it. Want to be an engineer? Do it. Want to be a teacher? Do it! Your career path is not bound by stereotypes in feminist relationships, and it’s wonderfully liberating. Stereotypes have been historically damaging and have played a significant role in the oppression of women and marginalised groups, so good riddance.
From better communication to an improved sex life, there’s a lot to gain from being with someone who views you as their equal. Feminism is not a threat to the family dynamic or the housewife’s career, but simply enables both women and men to have more autonomy and overall happiness.
Reference
Johnson, M. D., Galambos, N. L., & Anderson, J. R. (2016). Skip the dishes? Not so fast! Sex and housework revisited. Journal of Family Psychology, 30(2), 203–213. https://doi.org/10.1037/fam0000161
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Emily Galea is a writer and feminist activist in Malta. She is the Vice-President of Young Progressive Beings, Project Co-lead of the Dear Decision Makers campaign, and MA student in Gender, Society & Culture at the University of Malta.
