A difference in sexual desire in couples is a very common difficulty in relationships. In fact research suggests that although strong sexual feelings are usually present in the first 6 months to 3 years of a relationship these can drop down to 50% after the first 3 years. Therefore, it seems that keeping a healthy sex life in long term relationships requires planning and work.
Unfortunately, if our knowledge about sex is mainly from pornography and media, we might come to believe that only spontaneous desire and arousal exist. Picture this, a couple is drawn together by strong feelings and a deep uncontrollable passion and its only a matter of time before they rip each others’ clothes off and have the best sex ever! We know that reality, especially in long term relationships can be very different. Pressures like stress at work, taking care of older parents, financial troubles, being menopausal or peri-menopausal, chronic illness, relationship difficulties and conflict can all contribute to a low sexual desire. Throw into the equation being exhausted after a day of work, taking care of kids and pets and you’ll find the couple in front of the TV dosing off by 9pm!!
Knowing the difference between spontaneous desire and responsive sexual arousal.
Spontaneous desire usually feels like you are ‘ready to go’ when it comes to sex, and you do not need much stimulation to respond and feel aroused. On the other hand, an individual experiencing responsive sexual arousal might not feel like having sex but responds to cues from their partner’s side to have sex. Therefore, those experiencing responsive arousal may not want to engage in sexual play but once they start playing will enjoy sex. Obviously, I am referring to fully consensual sex here. For these individuals sexual desire comes after arousal. In her book ‘Come as you are” Emily Nagoski suggests that around 5% of men and 30% of women experience responsive arousal in their sexual intimacy, while 75% of men and 15% of women experience spontaneous sexual desire in long-term relationships.
So, what can help?
Lack of communication about our sexual life can lead to misunderstandings, frustration and resentment. Therefore finding the space and time to talk about intimacy with an open mind and without judgement can help a couple reconnect and feel heard and understood.
Some other tips that can help:
- Get to know yourself and what turns you on. Share this information with your partner.
- Introduce new stuff: sometimes low sexual desire can be due to boredom. Netflix has just issued a new series titled: ‘How to build a sex room’. You might find some interesting ideas there.
- Take turns to plan ‘a night for the other’ where the focus is your partner and what they like. The best part of this is that the following week it would be your turn to be pampered, the focus will be on your needs.
- Give time and space for sex to happen: Most of the couples I work with are initially very sceptical of actually planning a sex date. They believe that sex should be spontaneous and planning for it would kill all the fun. The truth is that after a number of years together and after the initial fireworks subside sexual intimacy can take a bit of a back seat. So scheduling quality time to talk and be sexually intimate is important and at times essential in preserving a relationship.
Do you have an experience you’d like to share with us at Wham, either in your name or anonymously? We’d love to hear from you! Contact us or send us an email at [email protected]
Anna Catania (M.Cons. PG(Dip) Psychosexual and relationship therapy is a warranted counsellor specialised in the area if sex and relationships. She provides counselling to individuals and couples who are having difficulties with sexuality, relationships and intimacy.
Click here to check out Anna’s full bio as well as a list of all her Wham published articles
