BDSM: What Do I Need To Know?

‘BDSM’ refers to a range of sexual activities that can be grouped into three categories: B and D or bondage and discipline, D and S, domination and submission and S and M, sadism and masochism. In recent years the trilogy ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ books seemed to cause renewed interest in kink and BDSM practices. However, those in BDSM communities quickly distanced themselves from fifty shades of grey phenomenon, as its depiction of kink borders heavily on the dangerous and abusive and is incompatible with informed, uncoerced and enthusiastic consent.

BDSM practices include very diverse sexual practices and personae. The scenes played out in this kind of sexual play are based on three main principles of being ‘safe, sane and consensual’ or CSS. This means that all practices are based on safe activities, that those participating in kink have the mental capacity to consent and all involved consent to the scene that is being played out. Informed mutual consent is vital in BDSM practices as it distinguishes between consensual play and violence or assault.

Consent and BDSM practices:

A number of scenes in ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ involved the absence of consent and abuse of personal boundaries, the opposite of what good BDSM practice is all about. The National Coalition of Sexual Freedom (NCSF) established in 1997 has compiled a list of the ‘Best Practices for Consent to Kink’ which include:

• Having an in-depth discussion about the risks involved in the sexual activity BEFORE it happens and ensuring safety measures and contingent plans if something goes wrong.
• Getting consent prior to the BDSM activity happening through a verbal or written understanding.
• Ensuring anyone can withdraw from the sexual activity through a safe signal or word. Some of those involved in kinky practices use a traffic light system where ‘green’ means all is well ‘let’s continue’, ‘yellow’ means that soon the scene might be stopped and ‘red’ is an indication of stopping all activity.

In addition to safe words, ‘drop objects’ can be used to stop all activity from happening. In these instances, there is an agreement beforehand for all those engaging in sexual play that once this identified object is dropped all sexual activity ceases.

Safety and BDSM:

Those involved in kinky practices are extremely conscious of the importance of safety. Before the actual happening of a scene any health and safety concerns are discussed, for example if there is chronic back pain that can make certain bondage positions difficult. This discussion is important for everyone to enjoy themselves and to be safe. In those scenes where submission and humiliation are present, those involved usually discuss safety in relation to emotional boundaries.

On doms, subs and switches:

These terms refer to different roles that are played out during kinky sex: dom or dominatrix refers to the individual who enjoys being a sexually dominant, sub or submissive is an individual who enjoys being the submissive one in the sexual play. Switch is an individual who enjoys being both dominant and submissive and can switch between the two roles. It is important to note that BDSM is not only about sex and sexual play but can also be a form of power play between consenting adults.

Aftercare and BDSM:

After care is an important part of sexual play in BDSM practices. The dominatrix or tops provide snacks, drinks, privacy, warmth, affectionate physical touch or whatever the submissive in their care needs. Moreover, confidentiality is very important in the BDSM community and those practicing kink at times need to make sure that their regular (vanilla) life and kinky aspects do not mix.

BDSM is not just about pain and being tied up. It covers everything from complex bondage situations to gently stroking your partner with a feather and experimenting with different textures and sensations during sexual play. As long as kinky practices are consensual, with appropriate boundaries in place, it is an interesting area of sexual play that can be explored.

References:

Dunkley, C. R., & Brotto, L. A. (2020). The role of consent in the context of BDSM. Sexual Abuse, 32(6), 657-678.

Nielsen, M. E. J. (2010). Safe, sane, and consensual – consent and the ethics of BDSM. International Journal of Applied Philosophy, 24(2), 265-288.

Sprott, R. A. (2020). Reimagining “Kink”: transformation, growth, and healing through BDSM. Journal of Humanistic Psychology, 0022167819900036.

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