What I’m going to tell you now is based on my personal experiences. Backstabbers, abusers, imposters, liars and manipulators all share one thing in common: a complete disregard for the boundaries of their victims. Their mission in life is to simply make things worse for you; they are not trying to help you succeed. Instead, they aim to make life terrible. They come in all forms, and the lines between the different types of diagnoses are often blurred.
I think it is vital in any relationship to ask ourselves, “how well does this serve me?” You’ll soon realise whether these connections are worth their weight in value, for there is nothing more valuable than contentment.
Why? The million-dollar question seems to be asked over and over again. Yet the answer is simple; If I can’t have it, no one can. I believe this child-like quality stems from a lack of boundaries in the early years. These relationships are a one-way street, it’s always about them; you are always the go-to person. They will let you do the work and take the credit, they care about one thing only, and that is themselves.
Based on these non-clinical characteristics, you have now, through your gut instincts, managed to identify at least one protagonist in your life that fits the bill. We have all come across one person we have an uneasy feeling about. It could be immediate family, someone in the workplace or even a lifelong childhood friend. So the first step to mental and emotional liberation is to stop defending the problem and start identifying it. We cannot treat an underlying issue without identifying the cause, and it will be very freeing when you do.
I remember coming across a Healthline article that struck me years ago. I realised then that if we don’t set boundaries, we don’t teach people how to treat us and essentially, we permit others to walk all over us.
No Tresspassing! In essence, this is what our personal boundaries are meant to imply, both emotionally and physically. Throughout the years, I have also struggled with navigating my own invisible fence, which requires a lot of determination, patience and strategic planning.
Boundaries give a sense of ownership regarding our body, emotions and physical space. We all have different thresholds. Drawing the line and communicating them early on is crucial, for it is common knowledge that people will treat you the way you allow them to treat you.
I have learned on my journey so far that people will often be offended by boundaries. That’s okay, feelings are subjective, and they have a right to be offended, just as much as you have the right to offend – because boundaries are often misinterpreted. You will come across all sorts of manipulation tactics in an attempt to demolish that fence you’ve worked so hard on building. The word ‘boundary’ can be very misleading, as it can communicate the idea of keeping yourself separate and isolated. However, setting healthy boundaries are connecting points that help nurture healthy interpersonal relationships.
As we grow and evolve, so do our limits. Boundaries should not be set in stone, and we should take the time to reassess them as we grow. You don’t need to have the same terms and conditions for everyone either because our comfort levels depend on those we choose to surround ourselves with.
We all deal with hardships, but how you handle them is a testimony to one’s true strength. Create boundaries, but let those walls down when the time is right. By showing vulnerability to the right people, we create an element of trust and establish a safety zone where we let those we care about know they are welcome to open up to us whenever they need to.
Vulnerability and overbearing divulgence are two separate entities. Shared vulnerability brings people closer and is often the foundation of lifelong relationships. On the other hand, oversharing is often the root of emotional blackmail and manipulation. Distinguishing between the two is a skill I didn’t just master overnight.
I have always been an observer and fascinated by human behaviour and interaction, which led me to adopt and apply those behaviours I felt would benefit my personal development and disengage and learn from those I deemed destructive. Whether we are introverted, extroverted, or, like me, somewhere in between, our boundaries are often shaped by our life experiences and family dynamics. There is no ‘one size fits all’, and we each perceive the meanings of situations differently.
Having boundaries allows you to make yourself a priority. Once you identify your rights, nourish them, and you’ll find establishing them a lot easier. Choose the right language and you will be less hesitant to express them. You’ll stop spending energy pleasing others who will dishonour them, as your instincts will, in time, refine themselves. Defining the “rules and regulations” of your relationships will stop you from pleasing the most undeserving individuals. Setting boundaries is one of the most essential yet overlooked life skills because we are all a product of our environment.
Do you have an experience you’d like to share with us at Wham, either in your name or anonymously? We’d love to hear from you! Contact us or send us an email at [email protected]
Chloe is a creative writer and content creator with a background in food and hospitality. An avid reader, she is interested in diverse topics, including social dynamics, food and beauty. Hobbies include animal welfare, fashion and cosmetics, home decor, and psychology. Highly imaginative, sarcastic and outspoken, she believes in the importance of finding humour in everything.
